On being a mom

At some point I bought two books to help me with my doubts and fears about motherhood. Well more than that, but “Mitten Strings for God” by Katrina Kenison and “Meditations for Mothers” by Elisa Morgan are two of my favorites. I find solace in both.

God, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to give me three children. Three children I did not feel capable of tending to, in these unknown times of upheaval, betrayal, and otherwise very treacherous times. As parents, we are ever the watchful eagle to our surroundings, and with good reason. Yet, at times, this feels so superficial and harmful to my children’s psyches. As a parent, I am guarded, forever perched on a watch tower, looking for evil in everyone’s eyes.

I believe in giving children wings. Seeing what has happened to the innocence of childhood, I grieve. Those wings I so longingly desire to gift, are retracted, when I become witness to the darkness of bullying, adults acting out, and silence from trusted authority figures. I have my own wounds to heal, so when I am reliving past hurts, while tending to fresh injuries, I am living doubly the war. I could run and hide, but war takes courage and brave hearts.

This is a silent war. We minimize the effects, but they are long lasting. It is the soul that survives. It is my family that needs to be protected. Selfishly, I seek refuge from the outside. In our home, I have learned to care for the wounds, nurture the dreams and desires, help the needs, heal myself and form a bond with my children and husband that cannot be broken. I am learning how to be a mom and wife and loving it.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23


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