Chester is enjoying my company this morning. Toby is still in a nocturnal mood, aloof and wandering. Have I mentioned breakfast is served and waiting? It takes mighty willpower to resist tuna and salmon.
Thoughts have resonated in the back of my mind since early April when I took a Scrivenor tutorial. Time was spent contemplating a return to the idea of putting together a few poetry chapbooks and even writing that novel I dreamed of in high school. (A thousand titles exist somewhere.) Knocking out past dreams, a few new poems swirl in a milky whipped cream concoction and I release my other planned intentions, allow them to drown in creative ecstasy. I admit at this rate I will never publish. I have to let it be.
At one point in time I never considered visibility, shame inside left me catatonic. Ok, I still feel inferior, not so much that my poems are not worthy, I do feel my writing has improved but I retreat. I hate to be known, not so much that I like being lonely as that produces anxiety but rather I twirl in depression. It is a scary place to live: four walls and no windows, doors non-existent. Those who suffer might understand. Some may not. They retort “Get over it already, won’t you.” I admit I drag everyone down.
Believe me when I say I search for the sun, desire the limelight. Inevitably I shrink in my shell. My mind sees you and I shudder. “What are they thinking?” I mutter.
I live in a moving hell. Occasionally I suffer from annihilation. Non-existence suits me well. In this state I am calm and I am happy. Voices remind me “They would miss you, family and the kids you tutor.” I contemplate the residual pain, not inside of me but within my friends.
No solution to this convolution. A decision involves burying my head in ideas and releasing them on my blog. I hope you would continue to read them no matter how I leave them unedited. I realize some are quite ambiguous and senseless as if I live in a different world. I suppose I leave you scratching your head, a desire to run away. “She’s crazy!” you say and today I can’t disagree. Enigmatic. Eclectic. Take your choice of words, I wear them well. I am proud to exist in the borderline of well and unkempt. This is who I am.
This is my life and I will enjoy the sun today, the stars tomorrow, the forecast of rain, inevitable icy winters and those four walls encroaching, I buried in a blanket. Regardless, if I disappear, do not fret. I will miss you. Please think “Perhaps she is putting that chapbook together.”
Today, be happy your alive to wonder! Look out the window and admire the wild. 😊💛🌻
Enjoy this beautiful music video.