Focus


Church is poetry. Poetry is life. A life well lived.

Today I want to give up trying to stay focused. I never know what thoughts will travel through this mind. The path is never straight nor narrow these days. I live in a chaotic existence.

Besides, it seems no use to focus at this stage of the game. Time wise, i am at life’s climax. I hear people say its all down hill from here. But then i remember my deliberate intentions to go after life in 2018. There is a desperate need to walk off the mental weight of grief. Banish the suffocating lost dreams that mock me.

I spent last weekend at Lutheran Hills as a farewell to girlfriends i had met there 14 years earlier. A fall hike was being advertised at church that summer 2004. I picked up the brochure which sparked a burning desire to discover myself. I intuitively knew i needed this necessary journey and was ready to explore.

I packed my weekend bag that October evening and told my husband my plans the following morning. He was stunned but happy for me. He took our three kids for the weekend.

I had never ventured anywhere alone and showed up at Shedron Lodge knowing everyone was a stranger. This was my very first time away from family and i was 37.

At 37, years were passing me and i was lost. I had no handle on any of my emotions, my body or my heart. I was floundering. Drowning. I had a biting urge to change the trajectory of my steps and it was a blur. I was desperate still in suicidal ideation. Death seemed the answer.

This post is hindsight which clarifies the memories. The voices. I left Lutheran Hills this past Sunday feeling determined. Even if i am focused just a moment, that is one moment more to paint.

I have finished quite a bit in the last 6 years. I have my Bachelor’s degree. My children are accomplished adults, thriving and growing into their best selves. I will be moving to Boston this summer and starting the best years of my life. I will walk the 18- mile trek for AFSP in Philadelphia and then hope to hike parts of the Appalachian Trail. As well as work with the people who have not found their voice yet.

—–

The reasons i write are many. I never had words to express it until conversing with Ray. I know what sells. I write (and now paint) to stay sane and that is priceless.

I drag my heart through sand and launch my soul on eagle’s wings for a purpose. To finalize this life and leave this earth finished with no missing pieces. With no regrets.

Happy writing, JπŸ’™πŸ•ŠπŸŽΆπŸŽΆ

8 thoughts on “Focus

  1. Omg…you are doing so SO much! Your life is simply full of EVERYTHING:) my days r almost same: routines & nothing happening πŸ™‚ haha

    Glad for you: go for what makes u shine & happy!! πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t do routine. I wish i could. I think my family did too! I sent them in spirals. πŸ˜”

      Ray, you are so right. I never felt so alive. Its depressing when the anxiety and depression wants to kick my butt. Ha! I have learned to fight back. To speak.

      Thanks for your conversation earlier because it clarified this writing and painting for me. It has opened me up to breathe and share and be vulnerable in an often scary world. I have ventured far and i am quite satisfied. It is all to my therapists belief in me. Saw a rising Phoenix when all i saw was a failure. He never gave up on me. Told me to take baby steps on days I couldn’t leave the house. Fear had imprisoned me. Stroking the knife or rope or shaking the bottles of pills as music to my ears. Death still does on occasion appear to reel me in.

      I continue to push the walls and mountains, sometimes with too much force. But always recognize people’s boundaries. I can cross mine but not theres. I always want people to tell me when ive wronged them. Its never my intention to hurt. I just want to live more than die today. Hope i can stay that way. Its less and less days in bed, dying and more and more days dancing those little girls dreams that were killed by many. πŸ™ŒπŸΌπŸŒˆπŸŒŽπŸŒŸπŸŽˆπŸ•ŠπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆ

      So appreciative of your presence! U go!!! Get your dreams how ever you can and i see you doing that. Differently!!!! πŸŒŸπŸ‘πŸ»

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Some people can’t do routines..but then they can do something else πŸ™‚ so I don’t think it is a huge problem..you learn to live with what/how you are & what u can/or love the most.
        I’m glad you feel alive and look into next day with a hope and joy and excitement:)
        Rising Phoenix sounds like a perfect πŸ‘Œ moment – use it for your best!! πŸ™‚ πŸŽˆβ˜•οΈπŸ˜€πŸŒŽβœοΈπŸ“–
        Nobody can kill your dreams anymore, it’s all about you today (from now on..)
        Be bold! And strong πŸ‘‹πŸ’ͺπŸ’„βœˆοΈ and make dreams come :))

        Liked by 1 person

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