new page up… the year is 2018

Emotions get the best of me. I try and walk the straight and narrow. I dump all caution to the wind and wonder why I struggle in this muck I bring upon myself. I may never learn.

I am in an in-between stage. Is this puberty? My writing does not seem to improve with age but I get a few comments, now and then, telling me to keep going. Do not give up! Your star is hanging low and if you reach a little higher you might just grab and tame the light. They tell me to keep it in my pocket for dark days… for they will come.

I fight this feeling to let go. I am sure you have read plenty of posts where I was ready to hang up this blog. Then I realize you never get everything you want (except from my husband and kids…oh! they spoil me) along the way but you will get what you need. Right? I think someone else said this and the tune is humming in the back of my mind. A good reminder that it takes mental stamina, endless loneliness, determined effort and possibly a bit of luck. Although, not sure about the luck. But being in the right place at the right time might just give me the boost I need to believe in my self. Again. After all, I was cheered on to write in my youth by the person who kept me hidden for my own good. Unfortunately, I am a sponge, easily squeezed of life.

I think it would have been better for me had she let me go. Find heart ache. I never experienced true heart ache, married to the first guy who ever paid attention to me. Living a fairy tale dream of a man on a white horse, destined to save me from hell’s eternity. Thirty years this July. And no it has not been a cake walk. The past few years have been most difficult dealing with a depressed and anxious teenager on the brink of suicide.

All this changed when a stranger saw something inside my heart that was seeping out in trickles, through words strung like pearls. I reached out, secretly, but I could not give what this person needed and we both abandoned ship, feeling used… I am a bleeding romantic. My life is lived 90% in my dreams. Not so much the other person. Unfortunately, I am easily netted and cannot shake the ties that bind my feelings to a blank screen that feeds me nothing.

So I go forward today. All hope enclosed within. I will try and keep writing, no matter the pain it brings. The tears produced. The sweat induced. This sorrow I will carry in my heart as people enter my life and exit through my pores, leaving behind an essence I try and capture for future days. Days when loneliness is too much to bear and I whisper into the wind, waiting for someone to hear.

Part of my being is to be completely understanding even if I am left pained. Self-inflicted wounds are a familiar feeling. I easily act upon my fragile heart. This is a side of me I rarely, if ever before today, have confessed. I assume it makes people comfortable. It leaves me wounded. I can rage like a trapped bear. Other times I whimper like a captured mouse in a exercise wheel. Run through my thoughts, unending. Getting no where, fast!

I will never change this piece of me. It is what makes me the most proud. To say I have sat with the hurting and have tried to bring a smile to their face. For this I will never apologize to myself. For this I will pass away and glow for future people to know that it is not things we possess but the essence of others. I venture forward, in hopes I can become a star, guiding paths with wisdom and grace.

To future hearts.

Happy writing, J

Music Video Musings Poetry

6 Comments Leave a comment

  1. I don’t pretend to know what you’ve been through and I don’t have the magic words to take away all that pain. I used to be better with words but I stopped writing for a long time, I think I lost touch with my feelings. So keep writing, my friend, write for yourself.

  2. I am truly humbled, J. Its ultimately the life we live that defines us. Words have a mind of their own… sometimes they come, sometimes they don’t. Stay focused on what drives you, the rest is eventually immaterial.

    • Vidur, You truly deserve all accolades you receive and not just from me. You are a steady hand, holding your pen. And if you feel otherwise, it does not show.

      I agree about words. They are certainly fickle between my clutched hands. No taming them for me. They speak back and demand attention even when i try and confine them to secrecy. They talk back and demand they be heard. For my health or my damnation… or both? Ha! We shall see in the days ahead. Blogging some days is not for the faint of heart and believe me i am a weak vessel to carry these words across the choppy waves. I desire peace but get mired in chaos daily. I am a simple fool who believes love will always save the day! All the while i burn at the stake.

    • Thanks for that confidence… words I certainly don’t deserve. You are one of those stars i reach for… some day i hope to write as well as you. My head is too mixed up to think straight. And if some day, my time arrives, when my words can mean something and stay on track, i become focused and lean, i will certainly acknowledge your inspiration. always jπŸ’œπŸ•Š

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: