personal musings unleashed

We really do not know each other, do we?

Years were spent cultivating all these hateful thoughts. Up until today, all that is wrong with life, seemed to be my fault. I easily accepted blame and never fought the day my mom banished me from their life. I was not the daughter she wanted and I constantly told myself it was my fault. I really believed awful things, that ruminated in my inner conversations. I tortured myself with thoughts of hangings, driving over bridges and splashing into rivers, jumping from a third floor apartment window while pregnant with my first daughter. Or recently, recklessly scraping a knife across my neck and wrists, aimlessly staring out the kitchen window above the sink, while I witnessed a small trickle of blood seep out. The drops slid down and pooled near the drain. Blue dreams turned red. Hot and bothered, I quickly fed myself more lies.  I truly believed I did not deserve life. Lies I recognize now. Lies taught to me. Lies I easily fall back into when I am not staying present in the day.

I am not looking to place blame. Oh, well I will blame myself for getting caught up in a web of lies. Lies that told me I am no good…

I  believed that I was no good for the longest time. Therapy has done wonders for my soul. My heart and head no longer bleed needlessly. Only when I forget who I am.  I have learned to fight back. I am not cut by my own hands or any one else’s for that matter. Not anymore.

During this personal awakening, I have ventured to places I should not have. I became too brave and traipsed where I did not see the wrongdoing on my part or the wrongdoing of another. I enticed it to go on longer than it should because of feeling alone. Sometimes I want to indulge myself more. Whisper sweet things to strangers. They do not mind. Neither do I. But I am hurting people, including myself. It just has this turn on not easily turned off. Then realize I am not truly alone.

I live in a self-enclosed loneliness because I am afraid of true love. I begged for love during childhood and I simply do not understand real love. When it showed up, I fought and fight against it. Trying to convince others I am no good. They should kill me too. Surely make it easier to die, than by my own hands. I even had a cop ready to take his gun from his holster. I pushed just enough. But really not enough. I retreated from the edge. The dryness I remember. The trying to swallow while the heat rose from my feet. What was I asking for? Was this fight really worth anyone causing harm to another?

All these words sprout from somewhere deep… some words remain shallow and swim close to the edge of my skin. Others are dying for air and I happily let them out. Luckily for me, the words mostly die the minute they hit the atmosphere. Nothing survives without oxygen and these thoughts greedily suck up all the oxygen my body consumes. Often I am left with little but carbon dioxide. I am not a plant. Not even a humble clover or Venus Flytrap, as some men like to portray me. I need oxygen. I need to breathe.

——–

I know what would have happened to me had my past plans come true. But do you? Or would you even care?

Heck! You do not know me. Why do I think you do? Or want to.

How much do we want to know about others? Or others to know of us? It is easy to write. Well, not always. I struggle and then I struggle again, with posting. But I do write. And I do post. It is all here to read. Until it is no longer.

I think and rethink myself over. Over and over I turn the bells in my head and they always ring twice and I still never hear them. Do you?

Memoir Musings Poetry Soul Journal

11 Comments Leave a comment

  1. Some deep writing Jeanne, hard core down to earth releasing of the inner being.

    A community may not care for an individual, but individuals care for another.

    Who really knows anyone, really? In order for someone to know someone deep down, you have to talk, get to know them.

    i am an open writer, l will write about everything, it matters not – but do readers get to know you? No, because each and every day our emotions change, and so each and every day we are a different person to the previous day.

    What changes? individuals. Once you start to write and individuals read you, slowly they come to know you. It’s always about an individual getting to know another individual, never about a community getting to know you. A community will get to know your style and your persona, but not ever the true you.

    In truth there are very few people l have time for, but there are individuals that l do – you’re one.

    • I couldn’t answer back… i was floored by your thoughtful response… i never expect people to treat me so well… and when i am, i doubt myself and my worth to receive attention… i apologize for taking so long… i was digesting these words… they mean a lot to me Rory! A lot!!!!! 😱😜🕊🎶💜🎉😇✌🏼🎨🧡💚💜💙❤️💛

  2. Jeanne… What beautiful honesty to pour upon these pages. It’s rare to find someone that is willing and able to share such inner emotions. But perhaps… the more we share the words of one another’s honesty… the more light we shine upon them… the more we feel a part of their lives… even if only a very small part of it.

    No… I still don’t really “know” you… but I know you a little better than I did ten minutes ago.

    And yes… I hear the bells in my head… perhaps a slight echo of yours as well… but I now have a soft, constant tintinnabulation that lingers in my head always… and the sound of it has made me wiser through the years… yet, still… I sometimes ignore the ringing… even when they ring twice.

    Thank you for sharing a part of you with us…

    Hope your day is most beautiful…

    • Hey 👋🏻 Michael… first i apologize for the delay… i was not trying to be rude, i was unable to coherently answer back. Your response swells up inside my heart… do i deserve such attention and care? I will graciously accept it… in fact i will print these responses and keep them near for times im tempted to speak ill of myself… i will turn down the volume when the disrespect becomes too much to fight and read these responses. And the bells? I have yet to understand… 🛎 🛎

      • Thank you so much Jeanne… I am both honored and humbled by your reply. Don’t worry too much about the bells… we may never understand them… we just need to learn to appreciate the resonance.
        A beautiful day to you

  3. Very interesting post, J! 💕👌
    I don’t know…I think it’s difficult to really know ppl on the other side of the screen. We imagine the way they are, but we can’t be sure they are the way we are imagining them to be/feel/behave 🙂 lol sounds complicated…

  4. I care, in a quiet private introvert’s way. I may not explicitly ask what happen because some people (I mean myself actually) feel uncomfortable about others probing into their affairs and I like to give people space but if you are comfortable sharing, I will listen. 🙂

    • I appreciate your response… i held my breath writing this… forgot i actually posted it… lol! Dissociation at work… protecting myself… but reading your response i have faith again… that others care. I get these modes when i have to spill it out or it brings me down… i have to rant. I really cant go back and read what i wrote… (did I honestly just say all that?!) at some point i will print it off and burn it… for some reason i need others to see my truer self… not the masked identity i try and portray… i am this way because of my past and i cant stand being a fraud… pretending im better than than what i think… i want to be happy though… and i really did want to die… for years… i can still see myself looking out that apartment window, thinking jump!

      Thank you for taking the time to write a response, so beautifully 🎨🧡💛💚💙💜☀️🎶🎶🎶🕊

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