Felt brave -well enough, so i peered into the book and read his words. Our words.
Jan 19, 2017, 2:13 PM
Stopped my thoughts
and when i stopped
voices flooded in -mocking
“Why are you bothering?”
“You’re not going to make it?”
Concentrate on anything
this tight chest and lorazepam.
The knife digs in -relentless.
“Just take it.” I hear.
Forced to give in
I conquer fear.
i feel safe.
And that can be
i need to overcome.
Do u think it is social anxiety because i read something and it made sense. But also about attachments and neurosis.
Do u know when u dont answer i can find myself growing anxious. Second guessing myself, not feeling safe for saying stuff i mean to keep to myself. I havent been bothered lately. I find myself looking around but im okay. Just a couple times, anxious, and
upset with myself because of this.
I cant be still not knowing what to do. Should, or rather, i need to talk.
I dont know and that makes it bad. Then another thing, this taking medicine. Should i try to stop. Maybe ill be all right. But what if not. Will it just cause more harm. Fretting that im stuck in this hole. But i dont feel stuck now, everyone is gone. Its okay. Its better that way. This is long.
I only notice when I leave the house. Looking out
the top floor window seemed safe to leave; leaving was a totally different reality.
“What do you think? I feel like i should be able to go outside but find myself sleeping, not able to move.” He didn’t have an answer.
“I think ill be okay. Thought maybe if i came to talk every 2 months…” She continued the conversation but never realized he was closed off to her after too many years of stagnation.
The escape. A shadow dances, from out the corner of her eye. Her mind unable to override the dark sky.
Stopping my thoughts today? Good luck. I finish my papers but when i stop writing it all floods in, mocking me. “Why are you bothering? Your not going to make it?”
After a while, trying to write, i just couldnt write. Couldnt concentrate on anything but this. My chest is tight and hurts. I tried relaxing, taking lorazapam. Nothing works.
Its all front and center reminding me its not over no matter how much i wish and want to be free. I have no answers or know what im doing wrong.
All i did was stop and something took advantage of the weak wall.
The old broke through.