Posted in Advice, Musings, Poetry, Soul Journal

Crayonโ€™s Voice***

Why do we limit ourselves? There is no simple answer.

Life is a celebration and we miss out on possibilities, cornering ourselves into a box. Unless that box is shut off from the world, by well-meaning friends or loved ones, we should not be afraid to be used. (But never abused.) If someone chooses to pick us, color with us, there is no need to cry. A lonely crayon is perfect. A used crayon, worn from tired hands, are memories to linger, lines in the sand.

Happy day to you. Just be. Linger a while in the joy of whatever color(s) you are today. What color are you at the moment? Feel free to let the world know in the comments. โœŒ๐Ÿผ ๐ŸŒˆ ๐ŸŽจ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

***This is a post from June 2018. Ashley wrote about the drafts folder and mine is plumb full dating back to 2016. I plan on revamping some posts and letting them loose. Others will be trashed. Honestly, my blog(s) need an overhaul. I have changed so much from 2008 until now. My old selves certainly don’t recognize the new me. The me taking on life one day at a time.

Hope you will stay on this journey with me a little longer. Watch for all the changes to come. And know you are always welcome here. โœŒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ•ฏ๐ŸŽถ๐Ÿ’™

Posted in Advice, Memoir, Musings, Photography, Random, Soul Journal

Hate on me… i lied

Bittersweet: Seen the Light

What am i doing here this morning? Did i not say i was gone from WP? Well a thought entered my head after reading a post in a closed group i belong to on FB… and decided to share here as well.

So, what is the group? Survivors of Suicide. A group i did not sign up for but was rather pushed into. And i reside there eternally.

I am healthier today. Actually quite happy. It hurts to say i am happy. I wear my brother’s pain… my grays and blues. Back in black on sunny days. No hat can hide or sunglasses conceal my tears.

Regardless i have survived two suicides and countless hopes to die myself. What follows is my posting to the group this morning…

“At some point life becomes unbearable… my mother was miserable and trudged through life. Her desire to die was known growing up and affected us children, as much as if she had died. I started to desire death at 8 years old. Then my grandfather did die by suicide… gunshot to the head, two months before my wedding. My desire to die increased and my happy day was miserable… it rained as my dad drove me to the church. Then, a rainbow appeared as i got out of the car. A tinge of hope engulfed me. That sparkle flickered for years. Fast track to March 1 2008 and my brother died by suicide. I was still a broken girl with dashed dreams (moments of hope sprinkled in) and felt compelled to leave this earth too! I spent days staring out the kitchen window while holding a knife to my neck, ever gently scraping… singing a lullaby to myself. Oh! and the knotted ropes in my mind would magically turn into snakes, dance in my head while telling me peace came with death.

“Lies!!!” i screamed back.

Today? Ten years later and 51, I have never felt so alive!!! I do not think about the past… my environment has changed. I live in a new house, a new town/state, surrounded by beauty and inner peace… everything before today was all a nightmare.

(To everyone in the FB closed group i told them ‘So glad you all are here. Talking. Suicidal thoughts are a disease. A product of overgrown emotions that do not know to express themselves outward. I went to therapy for ten years… my escape was to pack my bags and get the hell out of hell… i stay in this group because i cannot leave my brother. I so wish he was here. He would be happy to know i made it out alive.

Hope this isnt too harsh. It was my reality for 50 years.’)

I am always available to listen to you too. promisegardens@att.net

Posted in Advice, Art, Music Video, Musings, travel

Going on a trip…

Leaving this evening on a jet plane. So i most likely will be absent here… unless a lull happens. And boredom seeps in and i need mental stimulation and an outlet for my thoughts! (I will miss this place. And you.)

Since i over plan our trips, researching our destination, i gather lots of information. Here are a few of my favorite articles:

The Coffee of Civilization in Iceland

The magical and the elemental, from Halldรณr Laxness

A Book Lover’s Guide to Iceland

Reykjavik’s Laugavegur Best Shopping Street

And then, the most important question to ask, “What to wear while traveling Iceland?”

The Ultimate Packing List for Iceland

Finally, to get in the mood… Extreme Iceland: Music

My favorite song discovered (so far):

And a few more added to my iPhone Iceland Playlist…

Oh… and photographs. Yes, i bought a wide-angle lens for scenic vistas and rented a fish-eye lens for the Northern Lights. My daughter has given great advice regarding my photographing obsession and i will take it to heart… look up from your camera and soak it all in with eyes of a child. Here, the magic of life begins.

Iceland will be art to me. A washing of my soul, and a renewed mind, to tackle life in Massachusetts. Feeling blessed beyond belief to be alive. Do not give up… goodness exists.

Catch you on the other side of next week! โœˆ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡ธโœŒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿณ ๐Ÿ‘ ๐ŸŽ

Posted in Advice, Poetry

I do not wear tshirts

but a post led me far away from where i was mentally….

and i decided to turn a corner and explore…

a world
unbeknownst to me
exists
with cotton candy skies
and lollipop swirls
of sunshine and stars
made to twirl
in minds of gold
born of old
i entered paradise

disappearing, laughing,
riding upon
a galloping unicorn.

Smile ๐Ÿ˜Š and laugh because the world needs love โค๏ธ. And hope.

Posted in Advice, Musings, Poetry, Random

Wishes

if wishes
were fishes
i’d sail the seas
but wishes
broken dishes
fail to please

Telemarketers. Sorry i hung up on you. But you have no idea who you are asking or why i possibly would care about your cause!

I have my pet non-profits. My house would be overrun with the world’s needs if i allowed them too. But i am a free spirit! I need air to breathe!

**********๐Ÿค•

This world is overwhelming. The brokenness is more than this heart can embrace. I am sure there is some one else who can help you. I hope so!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข

Now my day is ruined. Moping about, worrying about the world. This is why i need to learn to laugh! ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธ

Posted in Advice, Musings, Poetry, Soul Journal

Tread carefully…

One day. Twenty-four hours. I turned from wanting to interact with others to bonafide afraid for my life. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Stinging nettles in my eyes. I can barely see to type…

Be wary of strangers. What you reveal in the throes of intensity. A passionate heart reels you in. Anger and cursing and wanting sex… glad i did not betray my privacy. Give out my number.

Feeling threatened by another blogger. I only want to write. Be friends. Explore the universe. So, please, don’t invite me into your hell to abuse me with cursing tirades. Your intention to destroy me should be shelved.

I won’t be contacting you even when my nature is to offer forgiveness and understanding. I do not trust a raging tiger with my life. My soul. Gladly i will go.

(You can contact me if you have remorse. I will accept an apology. Nothing more.)

Posted in Advice, Musings, Poetry, quotes

Cozy

With winter here, my mind turns to cozy. The Cozy Book by Mary Ann Hoberman is a delightful children’s picture book by the US Children’s Poet Laureate (2008-2011). Did you know there was such a title and honor?

I discovered this gem of a book, as a parent, who loved to read to her kids. This is a great book to snuggle up with in the deep winter, and discover all the elements that leave you feeling cozy. Think conversation starter!

Today, The Cozy Book serves as inspiration to finish writing my own vision of delight. My storyboard is all laid out as Lois Ehlert instructs, i have an illustrator, my friend’s son (see below), but the words choke.

If you desire to follow Christian on instagram. ccollins_art

See, the problem for me is the story is a vine, tangled and rooted in my soul, and perfection is difficult when the mirror reveals all your insecurities. Deep flaws.

Nothing i imagine satisfies. The words don’t leap off the pages as they should. The magic of the place doesn’t sing.

This dream of putting together a children’s book, has been in my heart since my grandfather’s suicide. This 32 year old project desires to finish strong. I really need to get this done.

So do you need some advice to finish a project your working on as well? I believe we need to fly off the page and write! Or listen to these successful authors…they have actually accomplished much!

Posted in Advice, letters, Memoir, Musings, Opinion, quotes, Soul Journal

Swim Against the Waves

For my lovely daughter. Always. And Forever.

Wow! Yesterday was quite eventful. Not in a good way either.

There is a back story to this story that unfolded shortly after breakfast. I was busy writing Christmas greetings to family and friends, realizing how few cards we had received this year. The amount of personal greetings slashed by modern life.

When, to my surprise, my daughter came bounding down the stairs, so early in the morning.ย  It is Christmas break from studies so this was most unexpected.

I despise Snapchat. Instagram. Even Facebook has become a weapon against humanity. They had assaulted my daughter again. Naked photos of themselves. Asking her to send in like.

She had never wanted to fight back. She is a teenager and teenagers do not always think so well. Hormones and all. But she had been attacked too many times to lay down her sword. She picked it up and I stood with her. I picked my sword up too.

I made a phone call to the school. I needed to speak to someone. Was any one going to listen? Really hear me and my daughter? Do something to change how we interact.

There seems a hollow cry in our schools, churches, government, to stop bullying, assaults, sexual victimization against each other.ย  People talk loud and do little. They stand up strong and bend with the wind.

Sex is a beautiful gift. Meant to be protected by love and care and understanding. Not a quick fix to fill a void. Not a solution to calm the raging inner world. Who even believes that anymore? Anyone?

So the Dean of Students and the Assistant Principal sat there and listened. Their advice quite trite, get off social media. What? She wants to make friends. Be a friend. Why should she not fight back and change the landscape of abuse? Why do the good people need to retreat and lay down their swords?

As we exited school property, two police officers pulled up. Our schools are now protected by officers of the law. What little law is up held. We are flying free in the streets, rioting and not caring of the girl, weeping in the night. Now afraid to be a friend to the world.

My daughter has recently turned 18 but she was made an adult before she had a chance to be a kid. So it is with modern society. It has become an adult before it ever figured out how to be.

Posted in Advice, Musings, Photography

Looking

Looking for the ordinary. Well, in this case, you may not be equally satisfied, seeking the ordinary. Go for the extraordinary!!

Never buy a bottle of wine solely based on the admiration of the label or purchase cheese because it is on sale. There is really no reason to give this simple advice other than to save you from being disappointed.

I passed up the kung fu girl riesling (cute but…) and at the same moment, yearned precious time to make fresh mozzarella. Yes, i took a class. Yes, i have made it twice. The first time, the cheese did not melt adequately on the pizza, so the second time i made mozzarella, i made caprese. The cheese was damn delicious combined with basil, garden-fresh tomatoes, ripe and juicy!!

There is no moral of the story, per se, other than you should eat life and pour out your love…