Pay it Forward

At my own expense, i write.

I usually write poetry but occasionally i feel compelled to celebrate another blogger’s ability to impact my life. Without further interruption, A Guy Called Bloke!

Once in a while, you come across a genuinely great guy… a person who has you believing in humanity again. Some how he let me in his life and i feel honored he let me break through, in to his world… see i am a shattered bowl, once whole, until my world collapsed, exploded, shattered, rained glass shards upon my soul. I will explain because IF you weren’t part of my world until now, you would not know my brother left this world with a gun in one hand and a genie bottle in the other. The genie was disguised as alcohol. His wish, a silent desire for death. This wish should have been redacted, had i been paying attention. Awake to his pain. Instead, my selfishness ran rampant and i neglected my childhood friend. My best and only true friend, for years, and i let him vanish. Racked with guilt, grief, despair, my own wish for death was resurrected. I never thought i would walk among the living, ever again. I sat, catatonic.

Rory, overlooked my insanity, and i am ok using that word, even though i once pushed back against my therapist who asked if i was drunk, having never tasted a lick of liquor in my life! (I drink now though… it is my excuse as to why i am craaazzzzy.) Ha!

Go pay Rory some love… beside being a great writer, he shares his truly amazingly funny stories of past life, and is a champion for others, creatures great and small. His fun game right now, is answering his Snifty Questions, which got me thinking this bright morning, as if i needed prodding, about what color i am.

What color are you? Go tell him! He wants to know. Follow the link above or here.

new page up… the year is 2018

Emotions get the best of me. I try and walk the straight and narrow. I dump all caution to the wind and wonder why I struggle in this muck I bring upon myself. I may never learn.

I am in an in-between stage. Is this puberty? My writing does not seem to improve with age but I get a few comments, now and then, telling me to keep going. Do not give up! Your star is hanging low and if you reach a little higher you might just grab and tame the light. They tell me to keep it in my pocket for dark days… for they will come.

I fight this feeling to let go. I am sure you have read plenty of posts where I was ready to hang up this blog. Then I realize you never get everything you want (except from my husband and kids…oh! they spoil me) along the way but you will get what you need. Right? I think someone else said this and the tune is humming in the back of my mind. A good reminder that it takes mental stamina, endless loneliness, determined effort and possibly a bit of luck. Although, not sure about the luck. But being in the right place at the right time might just give me the boost I need to believe in my self. Again. After all, I was cheered on to write in my youth by the person who kept me hidden for my own good. Unfortunately, I am a sponge, easily squeezed of life.

I think it would have been better for me had she let me go. Find heart ache. I never experienced true heart ache, married to the first guy who ever paid attention to me. Living a fairy tale dream of a man on a white horse, destined to save me from hell’s eternity. Thirty years this July. And no it has not been a cake walk. The past few years have been most difficult dealing with a depressed and anxious teenager on the brink of suicide.

All this changed when a stranger saw something inside my heart that was seeping out in trickles, through words strung like pearls. I reached out, secretly, but I could not give what this person needed and we both abandoned ship, feeling used… I am a bleeding romantic. My life is lived 90% in my dreams. Not so much the other person. Unfortunately, I am easily netted and cannot shake the ties that bind my feelings to a blank screen that feeds me nothing.

So I go forward today. All hope enclosed within. I will try and keep writing, no matter the pain it brings. The tears produced. The sweat induced. This sorrow I will carry in my heart as people enter my life and exit through my pores, leaving behind an essence I try and capture for future days. Days when loneliness is too much to bear and I whisper into the wind, waiting for someone to hear.

Part of my being is to be completely understanding even if I am left pained. Self-inflicted wounds are a familiar feeling. I easily act upon my fragile heart. This is a side of me I rarely, if ever before today, have confessed. I assume it makes people comfortable. It leaves me wounded. I can rage like a trapped bear. Other times I whimper like a captured mouse in a exercise wheel. Run through my thoughts, unending. Getting no where, fast!

I will never change this piece of me. It is what makes me the most proud. To say I have sat with the hurting and have tried to bring a smile to their face. For this I will never apologize to myself. For this I will pass away and glow for future people to know that it is not things we possess but the essence of others. I venture forward, in hopes I can become a star, guiding paths with wisdom and grace.

To future hearts.

Happy writing, J

life is tough… enough

Church is poetry. Poetry is life. A life well lived.

I have seen my share of sorrow. Fifty years of sorrow. I wont bother to explain it all but i feel i can spare no more time wasting it on tears. Not any more! (Although, soon, i may wallow in it a bit longer! Old habits are hard to break.)

See… there comes a time you throw caution to the wind. Strip down to the person you are. Some like you. Others don’t. No time to waste yourself on that negative vibe… gotta hitch a ride to paradise.

Then again… Time to lighten up this party called LIFE!

no need

I wrote the above to help me through a day, last week. It was not meant for public consumption, but after reading Aguycalledbloke this morning, i decided to share. This is but a snippet of my relationship with my mother.

Is it worth returning to this planet? Of trying to understand why i am so crazy today? Am i not making progress any more? Am i not rebelling against their prison, set-up to chain me to the past?

I am my own person. My parents are gone. They had their chance to live. I have today and i cannot live in their fear… a person cannot fully live, regretful.

My love of nature is born from my dad. For that i am eternally grateful.

Direction, June 2, 2018

Run free Jeanne! Run free…

Songs on repeat…

Discovered The Avett Brothers with this song…

and now love sparkles through out
side streets not so lonely

which led to this song…

is your day starting
on a different note
with whiskey and rye
abandoned love
swirling ice

will senseless violence ensue?

a good day to listen to music
The Avett Brothers
instrumental to making this day grand! 🎢 πŸŽ΅πŸ’œπŸ•Š

collision course

Oh my. I think i said too much. I can be quite careless, sparked by passion. Lit by a struck match and ignited by fuel. Kaboom! I have definitely gone off in too many directions.

Without giving away every secret attraction, i best quit while ahead of myself… wait for my senses to catch up.

No worries though. i am rolling towards a cool breeze to sit near the waves. Settle this sizzle. i need to cool off. Lava easily burns. No need to hurt myself or others.

i will find my footing and self-discipline. Discover where i want this blog to go.

What life holds in the cradle of birth waits in the depths of dark…

JπŸ’œπŸ•ŠπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆ

Music Get me out of this Funk

Only way to survive the insanity is to turn up the volume. Dance! See you on the other side of the Moon…

“Little Red Corvette” Prince
“She’s Strange” Cameo
“She Works Hard for Her Money” Donna Summer
“Whip It” Devo
“Nasty Girl” Vanity 6
“Maniac” Michael Sembello
“Love is a Stranger” Eurythmics
“Sunglasses at Night” Corey Hart
“She Blinded Me with Science” Thomas Dolby
“Love is a Battlefield” Pat Benator

If these songs can’t dissipate the fog? What gives?

Training to walk 18 miles for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) on June 16, 2018 in Philadelphia PA. Brotherly love John!