Hate on me… i lied

Bittersweet: Seen the Light

What am i doing here this morning? Did i not say i was gone from WP? Well a thought entered my head after reading a post in a closed group i belong to on FB… and decided to share here as well.

So, what is the group? Survivors of Suicide. A group i did not sign up for but was rather pushed into. And i reside there eternally.

I am healthier today. Actually quite happy. It hurts to say i am happy. I wear my brother’s pain… my grays and blues. Back in black on sunny days. No hat can hide or sunglasses conceal my tears.

Regardless i have survived two suicides and countless hopes to die myself. What follows is my posting to the group this morning…

“At some point life becomes unbearable… my mother was miserable and trudged through life. Her desire to die was known growing up and affected us children, as much as if she had died. I started to desire death at 8 years old. Then my grandfather did die by suicide… gunshot to the head, two months before my wedding. My desire to die increased and my happy day was miserable… it rained as my dad drove me to the church. Then, a rainbow appeared as i got out of the car. A tinge of hope engulfed me. That sparkle flickered for years. Fast track to March 1 2008 and my brother died by suicide. I was still a broken girl with dashed dreams (moments of hope sprinkled in) and felt compelled to leave this earth too! I spent days staring out the kitchen window while holding a knife to my neck, ever gently scraping… singing a lullaby to myself. Oh! and the knotted ropes in my mind would magically turn into snakes, dance in my head while telling me peace came with death.

“Lies!!!” i screamed back.

Today? Ten years later and 51, I have never felt so alive!!! I do not think about the past… my environment has changed. I live in a new house, a new town/state, surrounded by beauty and inner peace… everything before today was all a nightmare.

(To everyone in the FB closed group i told them ‘So glad you all are here. Talking. Suicidal thoughts are a disease. A product of overgrown emotions that do not know to express themselves outward. I went to therapy for ten years… my escape was to pack my bags and get the hell out of hell… i stay in this group because i cannot leave my brother. I so wish he was here. He would be happy to know i made it out alive.

Hope this isnt too harsh. It was my reality for 50 years.’)

I am always available to listen to you too. promisegardens@att.net

Thursday Door(s)

Realized i have not put up any of my door pictures of late… so, cheers, to the WP door fanatics… and quote gurus.

MFA Boston Pooh exhibit through 1/6/2019

“And by and by Christopher Robin came to the end of things, and he was silent, and he sat there, looking out over the world, just wishing it wouldn’t stop.” -A.A. Milne The House at Pooh Corner

Spring Brook Farms Littleton MA

“I am sure there is Magic in everything, only we have not sense enough to get hold of it and make it do things for us”

-Frances Hodgson Burnett The Secret Garden

Fruitlands Museum cellar door

“The claim that cellar door is beautiful to the ear — in opposition to its prosaic meaning — has been made by and attributed to a wide variety of writers over the years.” New York Times Magazine (click to read the fascinating article.)

Fruitlands Museum

“Once in his life a man ought to concentrate his mind upon the remembered earth.” N. Scott Momoday

Reykjavik Iceland
Reykjavik Iceland
Reykjavik Iceland

“…it’s doors I’m afraid of because I can’t see through them, its the door opening by itself in the wind I’m afraid of.” -Margaret Atwood Surfacing

A book is published…

Not me. Probably will never be me… watch as i slip behind the curtain.

But seriously, what is better than a dark, psychological thriller for 99 cents? Feeling good about supporting an author. So go purchase here and you can read more about Jennie Ensor here.

Why are you still here? GO Splurge 99 cents on yourself and support a fellow blogging author… then get to work and write your book. Maybe? 👋🏻🕊🧡

Once when I was in high school… (reblog) and personal musings unleashed.

One person lost, is another person found… sorry if laughing is rude… i am highly entertained by you lately.

Oh my! You are a riot! Please tell me if i am wrong in understanding you… what i perceive may not be registering correctly.

And my high school days… ummm… 🤐

Once when I was in high school…
— Read on handsinthegarden.wordpress.com/2018/07/22/once-when-i-was-in-high-school/

Nietzsche’s Questionnaire (reblog)

Daniel Paul Marshall’s blog... click link to read the complete post. “Nietzsche concludes book III (268-275) of The Gay Science by posing 8 questions to himself & answering them. I found, answering them as if they were philosophically incentivized Rorschach blotches, quite revealing.”

Finally posting my answers to the 8 questions… (and yours?)

What makes one heroic? Saving yourself from doubt.

In what do you believe? Myself. My ability to contradict the obvious and assert i am nothing.

What does your conscience say? To pardon, is the first act of grace.

Where are your greatest dangers? My ability to listen and hear with my eyes.

What do you love in others? A sense of humor.

Whom do you call bad? The unmistakable persistence of a man caught in a game of chance.

What do you consider most humane? The ability to live.

What is the seal of liberation? Saying goodbye despite having just said hello.

personal musings unleashed

Let’s get something straight, shall we?

There is quite a bit people do not know about me and rightfully so. Most will never get to know me much more than what I tend to share here. I feel I share a lot but there is much I keep hidden. I have learned people do not really bother to get to know people. They accept what they want to see. Or hear.

I avoid politics. I hate political statements which are often one-sided.

So if you post anything that smells like politics, anywhere on social media, I will over look you. It is not that i don’t appreciate your support of me, nor have i stopped supporting you, i just do not respond to one-sided arguments.

Alveda King, MLK Jr.’s niece, has an excellent op-ed on her blog, about people’s selective outrage regarding children. We have witnessed countless children ripped from their mom’s, knowingly and unknowingly, and we just now demand some thing be done? Why now? Seems some people’s heads and life are worth more to people’s personal peace than others and most i have witnessed have no qualms about rooting for world destruction, if it means someone they abhor obtains peace for the world.

I think it a shame the way people are behaving today. I am going to lose some friends but i know they really are not friends.

I usually keep quiet. I abhor conflict. But i believe my heart is in the right place here….

All lives matter. Always have. Even my enemies’s lives mean more than my own. I am prepared to die for truth and liberty and compassion for all.

Book Review: And Other Things

Hey! Bought your book… perhaps i should do a book review? My first impression, because poetry books are more than words to me… because i desire a vision… and while i witness your book, i first notice the layout of the page. Anyhow….

And i was given permission. Because i asked. Hell, i could just do it. It is my healing and i read other’s poetry to heal. Right? But no worries, i am not here to rip any one or any poem apart. Who is qualified to critique a writer? No one. These are our souls being spilled and they belong to us… shared because no one likes to be alone forever. Well, at least i don’t want to be alone and i am happy Layne Ambrose choose to share these gems in a book. I was happy to buy it knowing I was partaking in a feast of words and images that just might spark something inside me.

——–

Sunday was spent on Crane Beach, Ipswich MA, enjoying some light poetry. Well, these poems were light to me because its pretty tame compared to how i often feel, but rarely let loose. See, i think i know a bit about what is happening behind the scenes in his poems. But not really. I still like to think so.

Here is a clue to my thoughts and one of my favorite poem endings, which happens to be the last poem in the book. Yes, i always read the last poem first!

When I Get Away

see, maybe its easier to digest news on the beach… i figure most of what i read is lies…

Nothing comes in too clear, from far away… all appears to lie down with the lion.

The book is chock full. It will be a book i often drift back to. I am in the process of wondering how the poems fit in order on my time line. My order of awakening.

So i wrote….

i threw out
all the words, carousing
i forgot the letter
sent on a whim -toil of a bird
fighting the wind
perched higher still

seagull laughs
heads off
the sail of a boat -off shore
there is no going back for me

any more.

There are many more poems i loved. This is truly a treasure to help me find my feelings. The book also works as a reminder as to how far i have sailed off the shore, building my wings as i soar.

knowledge: 3-2-1 quote

Hey Rory! Good morning ☀️ thanks for tagging, your it for a quotes game… i gladly oblige…

Love, love, love to read quotes and Jimi, Dr Seuss and Epicurus understand knowledge is a gift so i pay it forward and spread their wisdom…

“It is better to know how to learn than to know.” – Dr. Seuss

Here is mine…

And some Jimi jam…

Oh yeah… play along if you like!