Sending out shockwaves
nothing to shoot down
in a search
that brought me here
upon a helm
to cleanse my thoughts
and focus on people’s healing
the task is naught
i often fear
then hope arrives upon the clouds
to shelter us from sudden doom
and resume our fervent cry
in hopes the heavens hear
the daily drumbeat we supply
Last night i took the time to acknowledge how grateful i am for all this beauty surrounding my senses. Peace resides here. And within my body.
There will always be turmoil in the world. We must search for the presence of the Creator in whatever place we call home.
growing through the rocky crags
pushing through the stagnate drags
towering over the distant snags
to let the world finally see me.
Connecting with others here on WordPress saved me from utter destruction. And for that i am grateful. And in the process, i have returned to my first love. Creating is my lifeline and my grace to get me through to the other side.
Growing up i was denied every aspect of self for the greater good. And as much as i love my family, to neglect myself was detrimental in the long run. I lost my brother to suicide. And i still have trouble understanding that relationship. We were very close growing up. Until we drifted apart. Friends until high school, when his sudden budding interest in girls, sparked a fissure.
I will never fully understand suicide. The thoughts of doing away with self, once gripped me too. For thirty some years i thought it through. Jumping from second-story windows, holding my breath under pillows, imaging myself driving the car off a bridge, and holding a knife to my neck while talking to my therapist. I had my ideas. Pills and razors, ropes hanging from rafters. They all presented peace of mind.
I have wandered through the ensuing fog. I have spent countless nights in tears. I sacrificed myself for the greater good all while dying a slow death.
I started practicing art in recent years. Whether photography, watercolor, acrylics, textiles, or garden seeds, i have found my inner sense of life. In my poetic words i have tried to let you see a bit more of what stirs inside. And even though i am unable to practice my first love, dance, i found a place to move internally.
So take your bow.
See me stand before light.
You saved a life.
Please do not use any of my photos without my permission. Thank you.
I once put on
to watch the colors change.
And when the colors
with how i wanted things
the ring came off
and drowned in ebony.
And i wash away everything
everything within sight.
To be still in heaven’s light.
And pray tomorrow never comes.
Felt brave -well enough, so i peered into the book and read his words. Our words.
Jan 19, 2017, 2:13 PM
Stopped my thoughts
and when i stopped
voices flooded in -mocking
“Why are you bothering?”
“You’re not going to make it?”
Concentrate on anything
this tight chest and lorazepam.
The knife digs in -relentless.
“Just take it.” I hear.
Forced to give in
I conquer fear.
i feel safe.
And that can be
i need to overcome.
Do u think it is social anxiety because i read something and it made sense. But also about attachments and neurosis.
Do u know when u dont answer i can find myself growing anxious. Second guessing myself, not feeling safe for saying stuff i mean to keep to myself. I havent been bothered lately. I find myself looking around but im okay. Just a couple times, anxious, and
upset with myself because of this.
I cant be still not knowing what to do. Should, or rather, i need to talk.
I dont know and that makes it bad. Then another thing, this taking medicine. Should i try to stop. Maybe ill be all right. But what if not. Will it just cause more harm. Fretting that im stuck in this hole. But i dont feel stuck now, everyone is gone. Its okay. Its better that way. This is long.
I only notice when I leave the house. Looking out
the top floor window seemed safe to leave; leaving was a totally different reality.
“What do you think? I feel like i should be able to go outside but find myself sleeping, not able to move.” He didn’t have an answer.
“I think ill be okay. Thought maybe if i came to talk every 2 months…” She continued the conversation but never realized he was closed off to her after too many years of stagnation.
The escape. A shadow dances, from out the corner of her eye. Her mind unable to override the dark sky.
Stopping my thoughts today? Good luck. I finish my papers but when i stop writing it all floods in, mocking me. “Why are you bothering? Your not going to make it?”
After a while, trying to write, i just couldnt write. Couldnt concentrate on anything but this. My chest is tight and hurts. I tried relaxing, taking lorazapam. Nothing works.
Its all front and center reminding me its not over no matter how much i wish and want to be free. I have no answers or know what im doing wrong.
All i did was stop and something took advantage of the weak wall.
The old broke through.
my heart is emptied
what lingers is sediment
a fear of the dark
My mind worries about everything. For instance, I contemplated if I should allow comments or turn them off on my blog. I don’t get many, so that is not the problem. The problem is coming across the right way in my answers. Please don’t get me wrong whatever I decide. I will only worry more.
Then, I worry about food. My mother was very overweight and I was deathly afraid of ever having to be seen. So I refused food until I became a mother. Then I ate as if I never tasted spaghetti or tuna or chocolate chip cookies before. And I still have a propensity to over eat. I love the taste of food and I am a pretty damn good cook. Just wish I never had seen a plate, fork and knife. I am doomed.
And the last thing on my mind this morning is a dear friend who sent a note. Should I write back or wait a while? I once confessed a growing love while guilt tripped me up. The feelings were built over tides and shifting sand. I never intended to devour the sour or sweet. Meanwhile, insecurities continue to flourish under the bridge to cause more angst. Oh! to speak out loud, these morning thoughts, chases the sun away. I should go play under the clouds and worry alone.
I cannot seem to walk past a door
lonely, in the pursuit of time
the wind’s impatient brush with forever
we stood in the hollow
bodies carved from sharpened rock
and painted yellow
the dim-lighted blackened space
You obviously see me
spared the chance of fading out
the rain washes our conscience clean.
The darkest sleep waits
while restless creeps
four walls of restraint
slowly dawn gathers
lost fortunes of judgment
her hands snuff the candles
in careless abandon
the coffin lid closes
settles her passions, unrobed.