my heart is emptied
what lingers is sediment
a fear of the dark
My mind worries about everything. For instance, I contemplated if I should allow comments or turn them off on my blog. I don’t get many, so that is not the problem. The problem is coming across the right way in my answers. Please don’t get me wrong whatever I decide. I will only worry more.
Then, I worry about food. My mother was very overweight and I was deathly afraid of ever having to be seen. So I refused food until I became a mother. Then I ate as if I never tasted spaghetti or tuna or chocolate chip cookies before. And I still have a propensity to over eat. I love the taste of food and I am a pretty damn good cook. Just wish I never had seen a plate, fork and knife. I am doomed.
And the last thing on my mind this morning is a dear friend who sent a note. Should I write back or wait a while? I once confessed a growing love while guilt tripped me up. The feelings were built over tides and shifting sand. I never intended to devour the sour or sweet. Meanwhile, insecurities continue to flourish under the bridge to cause more angst. Oh! to speak out loud, these morning thoughts, chases the sun away. I should go play under the clouds and worry alone.
I cannot seem to walk past a door
lonely, in the pursuit of time
the wind’s impatient brush with forever
we stood in the hollow
bodies carved from sharpened rock
and painted yellow
the dim-lighted blackened space
You obviously see me
spared the chance of fading out
the rain washes our conscience clean.
The darkest sleep waits
while restless creeps
four walls of restraint
slowly dawn gathers
lost fortunes of judgment
her hands snuff the candles
in careless abandon
the coffin lid closes
settles her passions, unrobed.
uprooted and ever moving
a ruddy rouge
my dead giveaway.
The mud cakes my face
a promise to remove blemishes
while you watch from afar
and I crouch at the grave.
“Listen to the sun sparkle.”
A flame on this stick.
I fizzle, barely noticed
sending you mixed messages.
Life is washing over me and my reaction muted. In the process of being overwhelmed i have lost a desire to share.
Will I find strength to shoot the barrel. Letters locked and loaded. They suffer and land on days grown cold.
The intimacy dares to run away. If I stay, will i manage to kill you this time?
I hear you tell me my words are too timid. That you survived the shot. Maybe that was my purpose… to spare your life.
I am fluid and change with time. As the sun moves across the printed page, shadows dance into my mind. I beg the letters to curtsy and bow to you, neighbor… apologize and exchange spaces with my love.
Know I am not ready to leave this world. Are you?
Someday it will be all that remains. Silence. It will be good to come back to the reborn self. The self who truly understands not in dreams. But in being the dream.
A hundred pages
in mere lines.
A thousand voices
mock her mind.
Forever in love with dark forces
I am blessed to survive.
to be away
the pressure of knowing
or tasting the bitter bark, ground into medicine
gathering last years fortune cookie papers
to smoke the air
free of civilization’s
awkward crawl home.
Note: I am taking time away from being online. Reaching out to see how my fellow WP’ers are handling the state of affairs.
Sometimes life expects us to make confessionals. My list happens to be growing as I recollect events that I am sorry for. For instance, in the midst of my grief, shortly after learning my brother John had taken his life, I stole a plant. A flowering plant at a local grocery store. The reasoning being I had always walked the straight and narrow and while my anger was bubbling up, I lashed out in order to inflict hurt on the world I once loved. I struck back at the heart of existence.
Then again, what belongs to any of us?
This is the sun setting over the huge rock in my yard. Hell, the rock is a small hill you have to climb and there is a perfect practice 20-25′ (7.6 meter) straight ascent to the top. The other side has ledges and you can scale it without rope. It is rather easy, with wonderful pockets of moss and mushrooms and wildflowers. Once at the top, you can watch the sunset over Mount Wachusett.
The mountains in Massachusetts are fairly easy to scale. Ive climbed two so far. Mount Wachusett is 2005′ (611 meters) and Lenox Mountain 2,126′ (648 meters).
To carve in stone
the next year planned
hike the Appalachian
Berkshires of Massachusetts
exists deep in the psyche
find my impetous
climb higher than ever
the answers lie somewhere.