personal musings unleashed

as a child i nagged my parents to stop smoking… my dad was happy to quit and exclaimed “i can smell and taste again!” what should have been a breakthrough was left a defeat, mom moping and poking around, complaining as usual… she wanted her cigarettes… not wanting to smoke alone, she subsided the habit, never lit another cig again… she also never let me forget her misery was my fault…

today i am suppose to be packing… what little we brought to our temporary apartment, so i better scoot and tape up some boxes to haul stuff over to our new house… it is our home tomorrow! it feels like a Christmas, as it hasn’t felt since i got a Barbie Townhouse from Santa in the 3rd grade… i won’t go into a diatribe about the evils of believing in nonsense (perhaps another day i will reminisce about breaking my brother’s heart and getting an ass whooping) or how Barbie and Ken evokes sexual feelings in kids… might just let that be forever…

not going to fix humanity and i have given up trying… my egotistical complex has been put to rest… now off to calm this racing heart… and pack!

tomorrow waits for no one โ˜€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜

Nietzscheโ€™s Questionnaire (reblog)

Daniel Paul Marshall’s blog... click link to read the complete post. “Nietzsche concludes book III (268-275) of The Gay Science by posing 8 questions to himself & answering them. I found, answering them as if they were philosophically incentivized Rorschach blotches, quite revealing.”

Finally posting my answers to the 8 questions… (and yours?)

What makes one heroic? Saving yourself from doubt.

In what do you believe? Myself. My ability to contradict the obvious and assert i am nothing.

What does your conscience say? To pardon, is the first act of grace.

Where are your greatest dangers? My ability to listen and hear with my eyes.

What do you love in others? A sense of humor.

Whom do you call bad? The unmistakable persistence of a man caught in a game of chance.

What do you consider most humane? The ability to live.

What is the seal of liberation? Saying goodbye despite having just said hello.

death wish (suicide lies)

guilt drives staggered bones
the edge becomes
a point to ponder

what matters beyond
his farewell
unannounced -death arrived

luring me closer
take the plunge
you can thank me later

A quality insight from Mrs. Fish

โ€” Read on danielpaulmarshall.com/2018/06/10/a-quality-insight-from-mrs-fish/

There are always as many layers in each piece written by Daniel Paul Marshall as there are to our individual psyches. I have learned, from past experience, we decide to dig when all of life fails. Most assuredly when we struggle in amazement, “How did we end up here?”

This struggle’s search means we roam our own minds along with perusing other’s insights, to answer personal questions. Daniel Paul Marshall always becomes a mountain to scale. I am not afraid to climb and quite often like to feel small. The idea of being intellectually swallowed hole is not frightening. At such a time, i tend to be lazy and will shift into making the ascent easy as possible. I have found in order to be a PhD candidate poet, i would need to tap reserves that currently are kept safe for rainy days. I never venture far from the comfortable. (Enough of that tangent… back on the original road!)

This particular post drug me up from a pit i am well accustomed. I routinely, lazily graze in my despair but in a rare collision, this post brought a flurry of thought.

Please consider bringing yourself to the discussion at the original post. I would love to read your thoughts. Does this post enlighten or further blur your perception of you, your children and the space between? Or perhaps your relationship with a parent?

I am considering note-taking and producing a futures map, dealing with my daughter. She tells me i am her best friend, which makes me feel wonderful. But below the surface smile i sprout for her benefit, i fear her future. Where are people to love her as much as i?

no need

I wrote the above to help me through a day, last week. It was not meant for public consumption, but after reading Aguycalledbloke this morning, i decided to share. This is but a snippet of my relationship with my mother.

Is it worth returning to this planet? Of trying to understand why i am so crazy today? Am i not making progress any more? Am i not rebelling against their prison, set-up to chain me to the past?

I am my own person. My parents are gone. They had their chance to live. I have today and i cannot live in their fear… a person cannot fully live, regretful.

My love of nature is born from my dad. For that i am eternally grateful.

Direction, June 2, 2018

Run free Jeanne! Run free…

wayward be

Who the hell knows if i will be here… today, tomorrow or any other day. If i am, hope your near by. If not, i will find my way… forward.

Always have… been a survivor. Even of my own thoughts to die. Withholding food to starve my heartache. Suffocation, in moments, while i prayed for death. A child. Yes, i was a child who believed there was a God who heard my prayers for sweet, sweet death. Until He never answered. Turned His back on His daughter… wished her to suffer more. Then whispered “Peace.” at her half-opened door. Caught her peeking, looking for answers. Cold.

Wouldn’t tell my whole story. Who cares anyhow? Well meaning people spout sugary words to the despairing child but their words always spoil once swallowed.

I have been poisoned by this world. The cream in my coffee swirls me down enough…

White Mountains New Hampshire

One more for the road…

Post. Not a drink. But i think i will pour myself a sour cherry bier from Victory Brewing… right after i turn off my phone a while. (I will be back…)

Love this baby picture of me. One of the few where i am properly dressed. My shoes are shined and my hair is brushed. I am smiling and not crying. Happy. I like to believe my childhood was happy. I think it probably was.

There are no memories to recall from this time period. Similar to when i have had one too many beers, rum and cokes or margarita… Probably best i cannot recall anything at all. That way i wake up happy and carefree!!

Stay safe and have a great weekend. Do not drink and drive.

Catch you all later ๐Ÿปโค๏ธ๐Ÿ•Š๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

Moving Day is here!

Staying out of the movers way!
Looking toward the day
I can rest my mind and rhyme -Think!
Set up my writing desk
find a place to paint -Dream!
until then, i pledge
to stay out of the movers way.

The biggest day of my life, since i moved to Indiana, has arrived. From this day forward, i move without knowing the future. Security is in the past. Adventure awaits those who walk with eyes wide open.

Trying not to cry! Feeling the exhilarating new of Boston on my brow! My heart is racing, wondering what lies ahead.

And excited to have lots of time to read back posts. See you at your blog soon!

Attending the Opera

โ€” Read on Fabric on the Daily Post

What are we willing to give up? What would i find behind your curtain as i swing it aside? Have you, will you, consider letting me know?

I wait. Anticipate. Is this a game eagerly played by two? Or only i?

Am i setting myself up for your opera. Life over as fast as it started. Slow. Drawn out misery. Ending with a cry of freedom!

A peek behind the madness of death exists behind every curtain. It matters not your fabric woven. The rapacious appetite for breath carries us along.

I do not plan to go anywhere. Neither behind your curtain. Or stand before it. I want to be your covering. Shield you from peering eyes.