Indulgence

My youngest daughter loves fashion and i am quite ambiguous towards it. Ok? i can be just about anything you want me to be and i do love to get dressed up, but rarely. Comfy is my thing.

The last time we went to Sephora, her absolute bestest place to buy cosmetics, i tried on lipstick. The newest trend is dark and if i ever use any its sheer and then i put on Sepia and thought šŸ’­

<<
. So selfies? Really? Ah, the indulgence of spreading my face half-way around the world… maybe i will circle the globe in 80 days without even setting my feet outdoors. My daughter laughs at me. "Welcome to the world! My world, momma. Hear me? See me?"

"Yes, child. I do."

——

Shouldn't i be happy? i am so self-conscious i can't be happy. i suppose in a way this giant… actually hugely enormous feat of plastering my image on my blog today says so much that is hidden behind my eyes. If you could read my mind i wouldn't bother to post this God-forsaken girl's face… yes me, my face, here and now! Oh, please don't say you read minds!

—–

I had belief. Once.

Yes, once upon a time i believed. In everything. Now i am absolutely catatonic about anything. Making decisions for me is equivalent to wrestling a cactus and as i recall cactus needles do not waste time drawing blood.

Grant me this favor and let me revel in this rare occasion while i marvel at the blood's trickle, watch the dust ascend on the beams splayed through glass. It is here i find happy. The atmosphere demonstrates silence. There are no whirls, swirls or gadgets moving inside. The scene is perfect. And then God declared He was happy too.

—–

i should be grateful to all who bother to read my blog. After all, who am i? A year ago i proclaimed all was well as i wrote my manifesto… The Evolution of Jeanne. Inside i know i am chaos. Can confidentially declare myself unwell, even though years ago i fought valiantly against his diagnosis. “That’s not me your talking about. Its someone else!! i am fine!!”

How’s that for making friends? i watched him run, along with everyone else, as fast or faster than hell descending from heaven, the devil having been evicted for eternity. i realize the devil dwells in the hall of scandalous shame and degradation and i am heading in that direction.

——

No, i don’t need your help. i’m sufficiently capable of killing myself, on most days, when i am numb to this pain. Once i start feeling again, and on the rare occasions where and when it actually feels good to have the sun saturate me with happy…

Until we meet again, if you dare bother to return to read my words. i know i will be back… this blog keeps me alive.<<
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living on the edge

not quite anorexic

not quite dead

years followed like yellow-fin tuna

migrating with dolphin

caught in the same trap

i looked for the silver-lining

the glimmer in someone’s eye

all the same false talking points

“hang on, it will be better -tomorrow

all these tears will dry…”

while you swim against the tide

swallowed by depression

followed by ghosts of pride

knowing (part four)

you jumped

skipped, hopped over

eight years gone missing

the quiet of forest -misleading

as the twisted twigs show

the contortion of thought

peeled slowly…

you had every reason to believe

the smile, wink and nod of moonlit glow

was your savior unknown.

*my photo

knowing (part two)

collection of private journals -packed away 1/9/2018

journal pages ripped straight from time
timeĀ severs the mind
cheap wholesale thoughts -sold to highest bidder
reminders we are products of hard work and perseverance.

who sells the answers cheaper?
i scanned the pages with a qr reader
as if written in hieroglyphics
and everything came back blank

empty promises made to myself
to do this and to do that
a book of Eden
pleasure where the world is lost to me.

then i see it
a post dated May 28, 2001
its been a long time since i wrote
back then i’m planning my garden

dirty seedsĀ -buried
exist inĀ the laundry room
watered and well lit
sprouting hope

all hope lost to time
with your splintered soul lying in same dirt
waiting to be watered
seasonal drought takes hold

everyone is missing from your life
and if you were a prophetess you would have heeded the words heard
“Be ready!”
but you kept moving

knowing nothing attacks the target -flying
opportunities obeyed
and your missed shots left scars
miles long, long gone -no time for healing.

Happy

Happy? Who asks?

Woke up

realized the world was dark

absent and void

these feelings locked up -tight

and wound around an electric pole

with no place to go

but here. Land in your feed

greed… you greedily feed off my happy.

Happy? Who asks?

no shame

no one to blame

life is just a damn game…

and no, i am not happy.

Blind Mess

Frenchy’s Clearwater FL Mandalay Beach

Their only words. Agree? Someone, somewhere does not.

Don’t need to know if you like my words

your sweet suggestions quite absurd.

Its not how many like you, love or adore you, but how genuinely they care for you. That is how i judge.

Cursed

Is it the curse of a new year that begs us to introspection and compare ourselves to others? I honestly am having a love/hate relationship with all of life. I am genuinely happy i am here, breathing and writing and reading other’s blogs. I am also genuinely sad at how little i can do to make the world better for those hurting. With every step i take i feel the anguish of this world all the while marveling at each person’s ability to also take another step.

I want to be angry. But being angry does not make me feel much better. Oh! For a minute i feel vindicated. But then realize how little i truly understand. Am i so childlike and as innocent as i pretend? Did i not rue the day my brother was forced onto me? I was perfectly happy until he showed up. Then i had to share everything!! My toys were his toys and actually more his toys because out of anger, i gave them to him. If i cant have them all to myself, then i don’t want them. Lucky for me, he did not want them either. Looking back, he only wanted to be loved.

Material things bring nothing and take everything away from our hearts. Oh! what I wouldn’t do to have my brother back!