suttee

Afraid
to let you go
i twine the words
of complicated grief
there was no goodbye
never another hello

and then i made it worse
opened myself
wide
displayed before savage eyes
killed myself slowly
with little pride to show

flames shooting higher
than ever thought possible
i sold my soul to the devil
who paid a hefty price
to lick bitter tears shed for us
and consume his last meal.

turn my back
yes, that is what i will do
can’t be the one
to care any more
the level of injury
grows day after day
and there is no possibility…

purposely left my heart -abandoned

i am hung up to dry
led to bleed out
you! learn to run away.

Cannot shake the feeling all hell is going to brake loose upon the world. As much as i want to believe in peace, the human heart has become twisted and fooled.

I became trapped in my own selfish misery. I once held onto hope. Positioned as a shiny metal object, glistening in the sun, it promised better days. I prayed to it. Ran my fingers over the smooth surface. Worshiped the image broadcast back to my heart.

I learned that day about rust as tears flowed. Death approaches angrily, despite appearances. I wish i hadn’t fallen so hard. Knives are all too predictable. Perhaps there is the lesson. Learn all you can before you are trapped.

obsession

curling iron forge
masked motives incinerate
reach new thoughts, higher

This was my evening, days ago. I burned every stick and autumn leaf along with left over wood from long-ago projects, saved for years in the garage, for those just-in-case chances we needed a piece of 2×4. Indiana is soon to be in my rear-view mirror. Friends will be left behind. I hope Boston treats me well.

My Monhegan

I am currently working on a painting My Monhegan, an island off the coast of Maine. Monhegan is a place that encompasses 95% of my spiritual thought while a mere 3 days and 2 nights were physically spent there. It amazes how much an impact the place had on me. A healing calm took me over and i only have to slip on those hiking shoes to feel the embrace around my soul.

At least the ones i have conquered.

In the meantime, while rushing from one idea to the next, for the past three days, i realized something important. I don’t hear the rattling noises in my mind. At least not as often as i use to and only when invited in. The loudness has abated with a new found courage. I have tamed the angry heart that broke and mended the fabric tears. The tears in my eyes have dried.

The scared child that cowered in the corner has found light. She has grown since last spoken to. The sex fiend has retreated and allowed a wholeness to take place. I convinced her sex is nothing compared to spiritual ecstasy. A spiritual relationship, with someone who can read my mind and play off my every mood, move and energy, is enticing. I have a few girlfriends like this. I have yet to make a pact with such a guy friend. I have a few in mind, but they don’t seem to understand the concept as i had envisioned they would. Such a collaboration is still open to anyone. Even long distance. I am open and my heart twirls in excitement to find such a guy. If such a person exists. 🤨

As if a light switch was flicked on and off, on and off, the hurt, which once overcame me, has now been overcome. The chaos inside has relented and been subdued.

I win! I won!
I run! I swim!
I fly away…

Wide-Open, Eyes Shut

Thursday Doors – Norm 2.0

Fear this
wide open space -exists
to construct walls

add windows
and doors
to enjoy the view.

If life isn’t fragments
what is the big picture?

tears witness death
storms wash me to sea
tides say goodbye, evidently.

Music Get me out of this Funk

Only way to survive the insanity is to turn up the volume. Dance! See you on the other side of the Moon…

“Little Red Corvette” Prince
“She’s Strange” Cameo
“She Works Hard for Her Money” Donna Summer
“Whip It” Devo
“Nasty Girl” Vanity 6
“Maniac” Michael Sembello
“Love is a Stranger” Eurythmics
“Sunglasses at Night” Corey Hart
“She Blinded Me with Science” Thomas Dolby
“Love is a Battlefield” Pat Benator

If these songs can’t dissipate the fog? What gives?

Training to walk 18 miles for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) on June 16, 2018 in Philadelphia PA. Brotherly love John!

Strong Enough to Cry

“Most of us, I believe, admire strength. It’s something we tend to respect in others, desire for ourselves, and wish for our children. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we confuse strength and other words–like aggression and even violence. Real strength is neither male nor female; but is, quite simply, one of the finest characteristics that any human being can possess.”

–Fred Rogers

he promised to carry her
slouched in thoughts
heavy
was more
than he bargained for

he turned for the door
her arms outstretched
no stranger from begging
strength of tears
began to pour

In all of life, he sought to do the honorable thing. Stretched between love for his daughter and pleasing his wife, he felt to abandon his reputation. The daughter forsaken, left alone on the streets. Tears turned to rocks, thrown at her feet.