Indulgence

My youngest daughter loves fashion and i am quite ambiguous towards it. Ok? i can be just about anything you want me to be and i do love to get dressed up, but rarely. Comfy is my thing.

The last time we went to Sephora, her absolute bestest place to buy cosmetics, i tried on lipstick. The newest trend is dark and if i ever use any its sheer and then i put on Sepia and thought 💭

<<
. So selfies? Really? Ah, the indulgence of spreading my face half-way around the world… maybe i will circle the globe in 80 days without even setting my feet outdoors. My daughter laughs at me. "Welcome to the world! My world, momma. Hear me? See me?"

"Yes, child. I do."

——

Shouldn't i be happy? i am so self-conscious i can't be happy. i suppose in a way this giant… actually hugely enormous feat of plastering my image on my blog today says so much that is hidden behind my eyes. If you could read my mind i wouldn't bother to post this God-forsaken girl's face… yes me, my face, here and now! Oh, please don't say you read minds!

—–

I had belief. Once.

Yes, once upon a time i believed. In everything. Now i am absolutely catatonic about anything. Making decisions for me is equivalent to wrestling a cactus and as i recall cactus needles do not waste time drawing blood.

Grant me this favor and let me revel in this rare occasion while i marvel at the blood's trickle, watch the dust ascend on the beams splayed through glass. It is here i find happy. The atmosphere demonstrates silence. There are no whirls, swirls or gadgets moving inside. The scene is perfect. And then God declared He was happy too.

—–

i should be grateful to all who bother to read my blog. After all, who am i? A year ago i proclaimed all was well as i wrote my manifesto… The Evolution of Jeanne. Inside i know i am chaos. Can confidentially declare myself unwell, even though years ago i fought valiantly against his diagnosis. “That’s not me your talking about. Its someone else!! i am fine!!”

How’s that for making friends? i watched him run, along with everyone else, as fast or faster than hell descending from heaven, the devil having been evicted for eternity. i realize the devil dwells in the hall of scandalous shame and degradation and i am heading in that direction.

——

No, i don’t need your help. i’m sufficiently capable of killing myself, on most days, when i am numb to this pain. Once i start feeling again, and on the rare occasions where and when it actually feels good to have the sun saturate me with happy…

Until we meet again, if you dare bother to return to read my words. i know i will be back… this blog keeps me alive.<<
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knowing (part four)

you jumped

skipped, hopped over

eight years gone missing

the quiet of forest -misleading

as the twisted twigs show

the contortion of thought

peeled slowly…

you had every reason to believe

the smile, wink and nod of moonlit glow

was your savior unknown.

*my photo

Blind Mess

Frenchy’s Clearwater FL Mandalay Beach

Their only words. Agree? Someone, somewhere does not.

Don’t need to know if you like my words

your sweet suggestions quite absurd.

Its not how many like you, love or adore you, but how genuinely they care for you. That is how i judge.

I can’t let you go.
I refuse to give you up.

I am free. There is no one thing -particulars?

I don’t confess

I like this; I dont like that. -See

the bottom of the ocean travels way down -deep

and this love of ours won’t bless my sleep

because i live my life

the way i want

your done -taking me over.

I can’t let you go.
I refuse to give you up.

I. Am. Not.

Silently whispering

I have been hard pressed- trying to be my best. And in the process, lost all rest. 

Broken, storms erect a wall. Weak, utterly confused. Silent. The drums ever louder, marching to the beats, painful echoes I repeat. What is heard?

Look up! vultures. Masses circle, tease desires. Grotesque in cue. Addressed invitations to the vile.

Quiet! Please be still, my heart. Stop and play with me?

No, sings the chorus. Feeling satisfaction, cloaked with power.  Cuts deep. Power turns me on my head. Destroys what life remains, up ahead. Drains the blood.

Dead.

The world drives me insane. I attempt to love it back. Erect it, place it back in orbit. Black. Not one person hears. Silently whispering. We fade.