close.

rather distant
we no longer speak
God and i broke up

last night
silence spoke for me
tears to cleanse

the past futile
my arms too short
to reach wrongs

committed by closeness
pain hurts when joined
by love. peace and joy…

new page up… the year is 2018

Emotions get the best of me. I try and walk the straight and narrow. I dump all caution to the wind and wonder why I struggle in this muck I bring upon myself. I may never learn.

I am in an in-between stage. Is this puberty? My writing does not seem to improve with age but I get a few comments, now and then, telling me to keep going. Do not give up! Your star is hanging low and if you reach a little higher you might just grab and tame the light. They tell me to keep it in my pocket for dark days… for they will come.

I fight this feeling to let go. I am sure you have read plenty of posts where I was ready to hang up this blog. Then I realize you never get everything you want (except from my husband and kids…oh! they spoil me) along the way but you will get what you need. Right? I think someone else said this and the tune is humming in the back of my mind. A good reminder that it takes mental stamina, endless loneliness, determined effort and possibly a bit of luck. Although, not sure about the luck. But being in the right place at the right time might just give me the boost I need to believe in my self. Again. After all, I was cheered on to write in my youth by the person who kept me hidden for my own good. Unfortunately, I am a sponge, easily squeezed of life.

I think it would have been better for me had she let me go. Find heart ache. I never experienced true heart ache, married to the first guy who ever paid attention to me. Living a fairy tale dream of a man on a white horse, destined to save me from hell’s eternity. Thirty years this July. And no it has not been a cake walk. The past few years have been most difficult dealing with a depressed and anxious teenager on the brink of suicide.

All this changed when a stranger saw something inside my heart that was seeping out in trickles, through words strung like pearls. I reached out, secretly, but I could not give what this person needed and we both abandoned ship, feeling used… I am a bleeding romantic. My life is lived 90% in my dreams. Not so much the other person. Unfortunately, I am easily netted and cannot shake the ties that bind my feelings to a blank screen that feeds me nothing.

So I go forward today. All hope enclosed within. I will try and keep writing, no matter the pain it brings. The tears produced. The sweat induced. This sorrow I will carry in my heart as people enter my life and exit through my pores, leaving behind an essence I try and capture for future days. Days when loneliness is too much to bear and I whisper into the wind, waiting for someone to hear.

Part of my being is to be completely understanding even if I am left pained. Self-inflicted wounds are a familiar feeling. I easily act upon my fragile heart. This is a side of me I rarely, if ever before today, have confessed. I assume it makes people comfortable. It leaves me wounded. I can rage like a trapped bear. Other times I whimper like a captured mouse in a exercise wheel. Run through my thoughts, unending. Getting no where, fast!

I will never change this piece of me. It is what makes me the most proud. To say I have sat with the hurting and have tried to bring a smile to their face. For this I will never apologize to myself. For this I will pass away and glow for future people to know that it is not things we possess but the essence of others. I venture forward, in hopes I can become a star, guiding paths with wisdom and grace.

To future hearts.

Happy writing, J

growing up

Were you allowed to express yourself growing up? Or were your passionate explorations squelched?

Arts were a forbidden country for me. A taboo. Superstitions of poverty and starvation, my becoming promiscuous, rang from my mother’s mouth. Dad silently agreed. When i turned 18 i told them i was going to college. When they did not listen, i screamed “they couldn’t keep me imprisoned.” Dad reacted otherwise. His anger boiled over. I submitted and got married and had children. Then grew up. I became bold and started writing. Bought paints and danced on paper. Looked through a camera lens to find moments worth holding.

My heart reopened as a bee flew past. He promised fruit in my life if i would spread open my wings.

I fly away to dream.

laugh first. eventually you will cry.

I am certain of two things, tears are never ending or at least until we turn the spigot off and even then, laughter, when jokes are funny enough, cause the tears to flow. Yes, the two most beneficial emotions, are laughter and sadness, when they effectively produce tears, as those tears cleanse us of dangerous toxins and thoughts. Of this i am most certain.

Hey Rory! Thanks for starting my day off right. (Was i on the wrong track?) I had planned to roll in my mucky thoughts a bit longer… had written a few more dark poems late into the night and early morning… but you switched on the sun and woke me up! Told me to lighten up! How much longer can i spend in winter when obviously summer has arrived in RoryLand and spreading across the pond?

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. β€” Victor Hugo

Uh oh! Got me here…

Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. β€” Robert Newton Anthony

Old habits, bad habits… learned from my passed-by childhood, my life was anything but fun when i was young! I was serious and did not participate heartedly with my peers. I had dreams and goals… was easily pranked… it must be fun to watch a serious child be pranked. Is it not? I think i am still angry today… despairing since none of my dreams came true. I am living a nightmare, day and night.

So cheer up this world for me… show me how seriously wrong i am… that we can love and laugh and not be overwhelmed with heart ache. I say, God bless us all with humor today. Let there be laughter!! Smiles for everyone!!

I nominate, to participate, some i have premonition to be funny, even if they rarely show it… or maybe they show it all the time. Hmmm?

Theme: Laughter is the Best Medicine. You can find the rules here. I am seriously too lazy to post on my own.

Aly’s Corner Aly is a brand new blogger and i welcome her with open arms and a great big “hurrah”! I hope once i am moved into our house, to collaborate…

Ashley Shares her knowledge about mental health to enlighten us all.

Dream Walden Anonymous. I still do not know this person’s name. Maybe I should ask… insecurity runs rampant in my head… i may never know! Hahaha!

So, please dear Aly, Ashley and Walden, share your prescription to enjoy this world, heartily with mirth, and drive us all to a better mood.

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed. β€” Bennett Cerf

πŸ’œj

As for me… i am running after Woolf. A world all too familiar to me.

The beauty of the world has two edges; one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. β€” Virginia Woolf

Songs on repeat…

Discovered The Avett Brothers with this song…

and now love sparkles through out
side streets not so lonely

which led to this song…

is your day starting
on a different note
with whiskey and rye
abandoned love
swirling ice

will senseless violence ensue?

a good day to listen to music
The Avett Brothers
instrumental to making this day grand! 🎢 πŸŽ΅πŸ’œπŸ•Š

waiting

want me
mutable
losing you
the gurgling water
sucks your voice dry

cup the air
to my ear
no recollection of sound
too nice
to tell me -disappear

i don’t want you
to go either
desperate for seduction
a respite
from this monotone tapping

come togther in the morning … (another writer’s blog)

β€” Read on utahan15.wordpress.com/2018/05/19/28114/

This blog may not be to everyone’s sensibilities. Be ware the language as he opens the curtains to forbidden lands. A whispered prayer ascends to disinfect his world with sunshine. His raw feelings bend the light, colors remain while the audience stares in amazement. Perplexed grins in both directions.

i cause to wonder who spoke the world into existence? And on what day? Had i arrived to the party too late? Missed the cake and ice cream?

As life would have it, my heart melted and there was no cleaning up the mess.

Just some words from my heart. Thanks for the follow… and happy to follow back… jπŸ’œπŸ•ŠπŸŽΆ

I do not wear tshirts

but a post led me far away from where i was mentally….

and i decided to turn a corner and explore…

a world
unbeknownst to me
exists
with cotton candy skies
and lollipop swirls
of sunshine and stars
made to twirl
in minds of gold
born of old
i entered paradise

disappearing, laughing,
riding upon
a galloping unicorn.

Smile 😊 and laugh because the world needs love ❀️. And hope.

Transformation

Access life
as if, before the storm,
no longer remains.

Let me know
mold me in your image
pull the strings
sewn into my back
i live to please you
in this moment
watch the stars dance
in this night of black

How can we experience triumph?

Theodicy is an intellectual understanding of suffering. The reconstruction of self and time, remain elusive, but attainable.

We experience our new selves physically, emotionally and spiritually through time. If we fail to let go of the past, it will repeatedly reappear as a ghost in our mind. Our goal is to allow whatever was, become history. If we fail this task, we invite misery to make a home in our hearts.

Life has become exceptionally difficult. Changes abound and more changes intend to roll out.