Indulgence

My youngest daughter loves fashion and i am quite ambiguous towards it. Ok? i can be just about anything you want me to be and i do love to get dressed up, but rarely. Comfy is my thing.

The last time we went to Sephora, her absolute bestest place to buy cosmetics, i tried on lipstick. The newest trend is dark and if i ever use any its sheer and then i put on Sepia and thought 💭

<<
. So selfies? Really? Ah, the indulgence of spreading my face half-way around the world… maybe i will circle the globe in 80 days without even setting my feet outdoors. My daughter laughs at me. "Welcome to the world! My world, momma. Hear me? See me?"

"Yes, child. I do."

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Shouldn't i be happy? i am so self-conscious i can't be happy. i suppose in a way this giant… actually hugely enormous feat of plastering my image on my blog today says so much that is hidden behind my eyes. If you could read my mind i wouldn't bother to post this God-forsaken girl's face… yes me, my face, here and now! Oh, please don't say you read minds!

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I had belief. Once.

Yes, once upon a time i believed. In everything. Now i am absolutely catatonic about anything. Making decisions for me is equivalent to wrestling a cactus and as i recall cactus needles do not waste time drawing blood.

Grant me this favor and let me revel in this rare occasion while i marvel at the blood's trickle, watch the dust ascend on the beams splayed through glass. It is here i find happy. The atmosphere demonstrates silence. There are no whirls, swirls or gadgets moving inside. The scene is perfect. And then God declared He was happy too.

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i should be grateful to all who bother to read my blog. After all, who am i? A year ago i proclaimed all was well as i wrote my manifesto… The Evolution of Jeanne. Inside i know i am chaos. Can confidentially declare myself unwell, even though years ago i fought valiantly against his diagnosis. “That’s not me your talking about. Its someone else!! i am fine!!”

How’s that for making friends? i watched him run, along with everyone else, as fast or faster than hell descending from heaven, the devil having been evicted for eternity. i realize the devil dwells in the hall of scandalous shame and degradation and i am heading in that direction.

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No, i don’t need your help. i’m sufficiently capable of killing myself, on most days, when i am numb to this pain. Once i start feeling again, and on the rare occasions where and when it actually feels good to have the sun saturate me with happy…

Until we meet again, if you dare bother to return to read my words. i know i will be back… this blog keeps me alive.<<
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living on the edge

not quite anorexic

not quite dead

years followed like yellow-fin tuna

migrating with dolphin

caught in the same trap

i looked for the silver-lining

the glimmer in someone’s eye

all the same false talking points

“hang on, it will be better -tomorrow

all these tears will dry…”

while you swim against the tide

swallowed by depression

followed by ghosts of pride