camera

share your smile
let your voice carry
in silence, your whisper
burns in to my heart
i bury my life with you
saw the sun shine through
the winds… feel them blow
around us and we twirl

twirl until our wings no longer fly…

certainly no poem is ever finished… at least not until i am no longer able to change, erase, recite, replace

this view from my eyes…

i am not neglecting you. personal musings unleashed.

Sorry i have not had time to peruse your blogs. I am usually quite attentive. Of late i am swirling in personal obligations. Life is happening… again. I am fully alive and grateful to have passed through ten years of darkened days, oft taken for night. Days of sleep are now past. I am busy setting up a home in Massachusetts. Last week was spent in Cape Cod while our red oak floors were refinished. The floors are beautiful again. I am feeling beautiful too! 😍😘😊

Never have i felt so at peace. Not since Christmas 1990, when finally in 1995, i was awakened to grace and forgiveness… my rollercoaster emotions in 2008 took me drowning in feels of self-defeat. Grief. Guilt. Despair. A season of MDD with psychosis set in. Luckily minds change. So mine is too! For the better. A healing is happening in this house move.

I will get to your blogs. In time. I have not forgotten you. You matter. I will be by soon enough…

some of my time spent in art galleries…

personal musings unleashed.

Learned something new today. Moments. Happen.

I have loved but one man. For thirty years. This experience leaves me rather naive about men and love and how the world works. I have never smoked, taken drugs and my first taste of alcohol was to drown pain at 48. It is three years later and my penchant for rum, brandy and vodka is growing. One feels freer under a bottle’s influence of twisted words and greedy sex. And then he arrived. Hungrier than me. A stinger, a fighter, a god. And he took to my attention, selling wares of satisfaction, provided i comply.

Where am i in all of this? Living in a dream that strikes fear in my heart. A complying pisces who strikes the bait, knowing full well the line can be reeled in, one netted and unable to free herself from captivity!

No! Swim faster…nothing turns out right… miscommunication, ha! amongst writers? it happens and is happening… can you not see my heart… veiled by modesty…

can you not hear my desire… to be friends? ha! amongst writers… where ego takes over

and all sadness aside… my loneliness is welcome… simply wanted, needed, desired a muse…

and you needed, wanted, desired

more than i can, could, will give.

and i will act like i am not hurt but i am hurt. terribly!

pieces of me.

no lying converges
abandoned by family
he came along

willing, she loved
yielding, she wondered

anguish reaching years
his counsel tearing
desert hearts apart

tattered dress seams
left wholly unclean

brutally honest mind
history resists mending
living among rubble

April/May 2018

personal musings unleashed

who is responsible? for me… and there is no blame to lay… early the birds chirp. have you ever heard a grumpy bird? not me… and there is no shame today… all ready to plan my day… all these baby steps, these horrid thoughts shed…

(woah, guilt, back off, this is space to spread cheer… your not welcome here…)

my greatest joy to date are all the wonderful people i met at the homeless shelter… witness women struggle and that was the place all my depression and anxiety was shed… found spiritual friends, our souls, a union… our lives, a chorus sung, entwined around a root cause… all else is ignorant complaints surrounding insecurities… playing arrogant games, leveling up our status on the backs of others… who we rise to shout down… how do we think we are better to shine as a star rather than a fellow man? this me, has gleaned wisdom, to spread my cheer…

i no longer look outward but inward and there peace resides and all the world’s negativity slides… i become the stairs to climb and reach my hand down… help my sister find her contentment… buried beside her self… she cries… the bird dead… he shivers… quietly i revive each… not in revolution but in finding solutions and working towards a common goal… no angry bird survives. no angry person thrives…

you breed strife in anger… let the melody ring… freedom is a just cause… a mind at peace is priceless… so sisters join hands and the homeless find a home in my heart.

close.

rather distant
we no longer speak
God and i broke up

last night
silence spoke for me
tears to cleanse

the past futile
my arms too short
to reach wrongs

committed by closeness
pain hurts when joined
by love. peace and joy…