spurn tea leaves
turn faces to stone
reckless hope wandering the wind
spurn tea leaves
turn faces to stone
reckless hope wandering the wind
lingering scent speaks
wasted hours bent over
never the same girl twice
are you thinking
of me too, somewhere
the colors bend and highlight
Being superstitious comes naturally as hopes are dashed when plans are spoken out loud. But I am hoping this opportunity, that remains open until April 5th, might become a real possibility!!
For the next month I will be putting together my proposal to submit for a writer-in-residence position. That’s all i will tell. I do not want to jinx this opportunity. I don’t feel i have a good chance but i still need to try. I will never know if I do not try.
My proposal is based on writing poetry for young adults who struggle with mental health issues and especially suicidal thoughts. The topic of depression, anxiety, psychosis, along with facing an unknown future, will be the collection of poetry i propose to publish.
I am feeling quite good about this. My ability to relate to these young adults will bring memories flooding back. If i can help just one person i will be happy!
So, if you do not see me around… posting or reading, you will know what i am up to. Knowing myself so well, i wont stay away too long. But i must focus on this project.
The proposal is due April 5 and i will know my fate by June 30. Here goes nothing….
Life is simple. Yet it is not. The road map laid before you, is followed and then unexpected rocks, no boulders, bar the way. You push. And push, and push, and push. In due time life moves again. You move with it. You synchronize your heart with the sun and moon and stars.
Please read to the end, even if you are not in the mood to be cheery!!!! I truly care for you…
🌟 Possibilities exist in every shiny thought.
Never allow yourself to be squared in to a corner without a circle. Be adVenturous! Find a star and start running.
Even if it takes a lifetime to catch your star, realize you will have lived a full life chasing it.
Don’t pay attention to your neighbor’s faults. Work on your own. Once you realize no one is perfect, you will find inner peace exists.
Turn the other cheek. Forgive. Love. Move on. If your enemies follow you, hooray. And if they disappear, too bad they missed out living life along with you. Hopefully, and i sincerely mean this, i pray everyone can discover and name their own star to chase.
Just never stop chasing your star once you find and name it! 🌟 J
(I do not write this lightly. I have been depressed and suicidal. It has taken 50 years to reach my pinnacle. I have swam through snake infested waters, mosquito-riddled forests and felt unloved by the very people who should have helped me in life. I get the pessimist. I was one. Life seems to be turning for the good and i rejoice that i endured and can speak hope today. If you turn from this post because your hurting, reach out. There are people who care! I pray you find your star!)
What’s Your Favorite
— Read on #WYF Revenge of EveColor. A favorite color.
I increasingly notice shades and hues now that I started dabbling in paint. Even as a photographer, i was not in tune with the varying light and dark of the world, as now. I am at a peak heightened state to my existence and have never felt so alive, or as noticing of each small death, as today.
So what is my favorite color? I have asked a few people that and they choose calming colors, as i once did. At the conception of my son, an orange ball of hope swelled inside and burst onto the scene of the world at his birth. He was close to being born at the back of a NYC taxi cab and made his appearance at the hospital before the doctor arrived. Life has not had to wait for him since… he forges his own paths in all circumstances.
The color orange in life is energizing. So appropriate that my color has changed as i was asleep for so long. I am eternally grateful for the sun and the birth of my son. For the vibrancy and hope they bring to my life.
In all circumstances, Luke has been my rock. When my world trembled in 2008 it was no different. He tirelessly carried me when my legs broke from under the weight of grief.
He is every mom’s hope to have in a son. He is my sunrise and sunset and all that exists in between. He is orange.
He is currently studying for his Ph.D. in Material Science, focusing on batteries at The Ohio State, Columbus, OH. Environmentally conscious, his goal is to develop stable eco-sources of power. He rocks my world and i hope he can bring his dreams to fruition.
And as a mom, what ever girl finds herself in the gleam of his eye, please realize even the stars adore your beauty and grace. 🌎🌍🌏☀️
Happy Writing, J (i have always wanted to write a fitting tribute and he is so deserving of accolades, being as humble as he is. 💙🕊🎶🎶🎶)
Church is poetry. Poetry is life. A life well lived.
Today I want to give up trying to stay focused. I never know what thoughts will travel through this mind. The path is never straight nor narrow these days. I live in a chaotic existence.
Besides, it seems no use to focus at this stage of the game. Time wise, i am at life’s climax. I hear people say its all down hill from here. But then i remember my deliberate intentions to go after life in 2018. There is a desperate need to walk off the mental weight of grief. Banish the suffocating lost dreams that mock me.
I spent last weekend at Lutheran Hills as a farewell to girlfriends i had met there 14 years earlier. A fall hike was being advertised at church that summer 2004. I picked up the brochure which sparked a burning desire to discover myself. I intuitively knew i needed this necessary journey and was ready to explore.
I packed my weekend bag that October evening and told my husband my plans the following morning. He was stunned but happy for me. He took our three kids for the weekend.
I had never ventured anywhere alone and showed up at Shedron Lodge knowing everyone was a stranger. This was my very first time away from family and i was 37.
At 37, years were passing me and i was lost. I had no handle on any of my emotions, my body or my heart. I was floundering. Drowning. I had a biting urge to change the trajectory of my steps and it was a blur. I was desperate still in suicidal ideation. Death seemed the answer.
This post is hindsight which clarifies the memories. The voices. I left Lutheran Hills this past Sunday feeling determined. Even if i am focused just a moment, that is one moment more to paint.
I have finished quite a bit in the last 6 years. I have my Bachelor’s degree. My children are accomplished adults, thriving and growing into their best selves. I will be moving to Boston this summer and starting the best years of my life. I will walk the 18- mile trek for AFSP in Philadelphia and then hope to hike parts of the Appalachian Trail. As well as work with the people who have not found their voice yet.
The reasons i write are many. I never had words to express it until conversing with Ray. I know what sells. I write (and now paint) to stay sane and that is priceless.
I drag my heart through sand and launch my soul on eagle’s wings for a purpose. To finalize this life and leave this earth finished with no missing pieces. With no regrets.
Happy writing, J💙🕊🎶🎶
Sick of this world
and all the opinions
the grey skies
that never go away
no rain is long enough
to wash this blood
men’s feet gone astray
all my love and sorrow
could never heal this pain
sick of this world
and my hopes
to make a difference
no one listening
a dreamer betrayed.
Hike to my Heart Morgantown IN 2018