camera

share your smile
let your voice carry
in silence, your whisper
burns in to my heart
i bury my life with you
saw the sun shine through
the winds… feel them blow
around us and we twirl

twirl until our wings no longer fly…

certainly no poem is ever finished… at least not until i am no longer able to change, erase, recite, replace

this view from my eyes…

i am not neglecting you. personal musings unleashed.

Sorry i have not had time to peruse your blogs. I am usually quite attentive. Of late i am swirling in personal obligations. Life is happening… again. I am fully alive and grateful to have passed through ten years of darkened days, oft taken for night. Days of sleep are now past. I am busy setting up a home in Massachusetts. Last week was spent in Cape Cod while our red oak floors were refinished. The floors are beautiful again. I am feeling beautiful too! 😍😘😊

Never have i felt so at peace. Not since Christmas 1990, when finally in 1995, i was awakened to grace and forgiveness… my rollercoaster emotions in 2008 took me drowning in feels of self-defeat. Grief. Guilt. Despair. A season of MDD with psychosis set in. Luckily minds change. So mine is too! For the better. A healing is happening in this house move.

I will get to your blogs. In time. I have not forgotten you. You matter. I will be by soon enough…

some of my time spent in art galleries…

personal musings unleashed.

Learned something new today. Moments. Happen.

I have loved but one man. For thirty years. This experience leaves me rather naive about men and love and how the world works. I have never smoked, taken drugs and my first taste of alcohol was to drown pain at 48. It is three years later and my penchant for rum, brandy and vodka is growing. One feels freer under a bottle’s influence of twisted words and greedy sex. And then he arrived. Hungrier than me. A stinger, a fighter, a god. And he took to my attention, selling wares of satisfaction, provided i comply.

Where am i in all of this? Living in a dream that strikes fear in my heart. A complying pisces who strikes the bait, knowing full well the line can be reeled in, one netted and unable to free herself from captivity!

No! Swim faster…nothing turns out right… miscommunication, ha! amongst writers? it happens and is happening… can you not see my heart… veiled by modesty…

can you not hear my desire… to be friends? ha! amongst writers… where ego takes over

and all sadness aside… my loneliness is welcome… simply wanted, needed, desired a muse…

and you needed, wanted, desired

more than i can, could, will give.

and i will act like i am not hurt but i am hurt. terribly!

pieces of me.

no lying converges
abandoned by family
he came along

willing, she loved
yielding, she wondered

anguish reaching years
his counsel tearing
desert hearts apart

tattered dress seams
left wholly unclean

brutally honest mind
history resists mending
living among rubble

April/May 2018

personal musings unleashed.

thoughts from mid June 2018

As of late i have been thinking. Endlessly the wheel rotates and nothing new is generated. My therapist called it rumination. And typically rumination has led to increased anxiety.

My anxiety is spiked. Last weekend i ran to the White Mountains. Last night i ran to Prospect Hill, to watch the sunset over Mount Wachusett.

The end was fiery.

Soon those sunsets will be a permanent reality. Life is changing. Again. Hopefully for happier memories.

A new home is on the horizon. My phoenix. My vision ripening.

This home sits across the street from a working farm. Soon my mornings will be greeted by crowing and clucking and baaaaahing. Words i can understand. Their bleetings a welcome greeting.

And i will be taking music lessons. The past homeowners are leaving behind a piano. My mother always talked of how she wanted to learn to play. She was comforted by her regrets. I learned wishes are useless unless you move to make them real.

(All the photos were taken by my daughter while i drove obeying all rules. Unlike this poor fellow or gal.)

Update: i am moved in. On Monday, July 2, 2018, boxes of stuff were dropped off. Time to unpack. So far, my mood is stable. I am ridiculously happy…

July 2nd’s sunset. Mild. Predictable. Like clockwork… i am.