barely

Steff: Andie, you’re a bitch. (From “Pretty in Pink”)Bitchin’

Now
and only now,

after all this time

I
understand
how the other half of the world

lives.

Do I remember what it was like at the peak of my depression? Or my inability to leave the house ravished by anxiety? Barely. How fitting to turn half a century (March) and be over the suicide ideation battle. I think i won. I think.

Nobody ever promises a rose garden. But i do remember to smell the blossoms while bloomed. Grateful for my loving children…

Dogwood have no fragrance and adequately make up for the loss with an exuberant blanket of petals, stitched together to create a covering for hearts, souls and minds. Enjoy your bitchin’ Mother’s Day, the best way you can!!

Love, j đź’—

am i not always giving advice

encouragement of sorts

to be

better in everyday existence

and as you succeed

it makes me happy watching you walk away

independently from these arms that strangle

push you down, hold you tight

wrangle dreams from your mind

so i will would never lose you.

Redbud

Son, I remember
your opening ocean-blue eyes
a timid attempt to love me
peeking through slits
one eye open, another closed
fully amazed at what you saw.

Redbud, The deep blue ocean
melting tender hearts.
The garden is blooming
alight with purple blossoms
radiance for our eyes
give us pause to rest awhile.

Redbud, The deep blue ocean
sheltering life’s hope.
Beautiful! Spring arrives!
I barely breathe, soul
keep this moment forever
carry it to paradise.

Redbud, The deep blue ocean
showing the way.
The winds blow east
scattering seeds along
a path takes us home
a trail of purple buds blossoming.

 

Mirrored Reflection

I have been listening to conversations. What would others think of the words you speak? Imagine the reflection you mirror.

Two  friends spoke, or rather gossiped together over coffee, “She only works part-time now that she quit her other job.” The other replied, “Really?! Why would she do that? She had such a great job.” “For her kids.”

Life is fleeting. Our values belong in our heart, safe from ravenous wolves. All we take from this life is the love of family and joy from loyal friends.

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” Matthew 7:15

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”   Eleanor Roosevelt

What will be your heritage? Seek and travel the chosen road.©

Let’s pretend

 

Imaginative play boosts a child’s confidence.

 The other day, while waiting for a doctor appointment, a mom and her little girl walked in the door. The little girl was holding a basket. It was an empty basket. When the mom was ready to talk to the receptionist, the little girl chimed in “What can I do without my teddy?” Her mom said “Lots of stuff.” She continued to ask the same question, over and over.

The little girl was wondering about “stuff”. What fills an empty basket? How can we learn to be ourselves? Who will we meet along the way and how will they respond to us?

Oceans of words
and worlds to explore
and I choose to stay
behind the  door
where I feel safe
and warm beside
my wonderful mother
who will rock me tonight.

Deep in the waters
an enemy lurks
waiting to find me
and teddy too.
I wonder how daddy will do?
Listen to the story.
A happy heart,
a gleaming smile,
a soul of wonderful thoughts,
brings magic to light up the world!©

The Ring

Have you seen “The Hobbit” movie? Or read the book? I have seen the movie but cannot find the fortitude to make it through the book. I cannot read nor write in such a way as Tolkien. In response to that movie, watching the Lord of the Rings seemed a likely road to take, since reading the trilogy of books, to get an idea of the future of the ring, is not within my possibility.

Lady or Lord?

With this ring
on your finger
I wed
to bring power
and responsibility.

So, evil was
able to persist.
She took not the
advice of her child
who longed to love
her back.
The child watched in horror
as she drove away
wearing The Ring!

Avenge the sins of
the fathers and mothers.

Love your children
and your husband
and your self.
Keep guard
of your heart
lest power corrupt.

Which brings me to the question of why seemingly good people turn away from all that is right and embrace evil? Why did the white wizard, Saruman, turn to the dark side, as did Darth Vader in Star Wars? Is there always a happy ending to every story and will there be a happy ending to your story?

In my quest to understand, if it is possible to understand, man and his nature, which includes woman as well, I feel there are more questions than answers. C.S. Lewis aptly said,

“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.”

On being a mom

At some point I bought two books to help me with my doubts and fears about motherhood. Well more than that, but “Mitten Strings for God” by Katrina Kenison and “Meditations for Mothers” by Elisa Morgan are two of my favorites. I find solace in both.

God, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to give me three children. Three children I did not feel capable of tending to, in these unknown times of upheaval, betrayal, and otherwise very treacherous times. As parents, we are ever the watchful eagle to our surroundings, and with good reason. Yet, at times, this feels so superficial and harmful to my children’s psyches. As a parent, I am guarded, forever perched on a watch tower, looking for evil in everyone’s eyes.

I believe in giving children wings. Seeing what has happened to the innocence of childhood, I grieve. Those wings I so longingly desire to gift, are retracted, when I become witness to the darkness of bullying, adults acting out, and silence from trusted authority figures. I have my own wounds to heal, so when I am reliving past hurts, while tending to fresh injuries, I am living doubly the war. I could run and hide, but war takes courage and brave hearts.

This is a silent war. We minimize the effects, but they are long lasting. It is the soul that survives. It is my family that needs to be protected. Selfishly, I seek refuge from the outside. In our home, I have learned to care for the wounds, nurture the dreams and desires, help the needs, heal myself and form a bond with my children and husband that cannot be broken. I am learning how to be a mom and wife and loving it.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23