barely

Steff: Andie, you’re a bitch. (From “Pretty in Pink”)Bitchin’

Now
and only now,

after all this time

I
understand
how the other half of the world

lives.

Do I remember what it was like at the peak of my depression? Or my inability to leave the house ravished by anxiety? Barely. How fitting to turn half a century (March) and be over the suicide ideation battle. I think i won. I think.

Nobody ever promises a rose garden. But i do remember to smell the blossoms while bloomed. Grateful for my loving children…

Dogwood have no fragrance and adequately make up for the loss with an exuberant blanket of petals, stitched together to create a covering for hearts, souls and minds. Enjoy your bitchin’ Mother’s Day, the best way you can!!

Love, j 💗

patchwork girl

i struggled
and i struggle
i thought
and i think
of naming myself the patchwork girl
mixed up
tangled
a woven web of family.
i released
and i release
them and me
to breathe and live
not letting thoughts
of dying
consume my day
lying in bed
suffering alone.
i never heard
and i hear
the footsteps
i never imagined
and i imagine
what everyone does.
i didn’t
and i do
care.
So this the season
i see beauty where none exists
the pinnacle reached
love spinning my world
so i can and will and do.

Today, I can say
I am happy.
Tomorrow I may not
be so lucky.
The moon in charge
The sun so hot
the tide goes in and out.