Waking Up

I believe inside each of us resides a broken heart that never received the love needed. Our job is to heal those wounds, as revealed, and to search for those yet uncovered.

It came to me -a dream
And so my friend,
he has a name -Goy Peppo.

My constant companion on this writing adventure, Goy “Penguin” Peppo. He hardly believes I have shoved out all these words, nonstop, since 2008. Its akin to puking… i slowly loose the burden, strung around my neck, threatening to hang me.

Certainly there are people who would loved to have seen me dead. Growing up, there were kids in school who harbored ill desires toward me. At home, my sisters regulated me to a corner of the room, size of a cardboard box, and threw my clothes on top. I was invisible to my parents who walked right past and never noticed the tears.

Nights. I remember being in the dark, listening to the laughter coming from the living room. My parents and sisters would make pizza and popcorn and watch tv. It didn’t matter. I held my breath, covered my face with a pillow, in hopes the world would disappear. I would wake to silence, thinking I was dead. Imagine the disappointment when my wishes had not come true.

So, Goy searches for Words of Wisdom, in hopes, with time, I can be as loved as him.

Wharton “It was easy enough to despise the world, but decidedly difficult to find any other habitable region.”

Woolf “I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”

Emily
“I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!”

Alcott “I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end.” (Jo March)

Frost “Poetry is what gets lost in translation.”

Plath “Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those.

If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.

I feel my words are changing as I am healing. Becoming one heart. Whole. I hope I am growing as a writer, expressing the deep caverns, still not lit well enough to explore.

Writing is a discipline as any other creative endeavor. What we give of ourselves, to both the process and the outcome, is what eventually is criticized. What remains unsaid, at the end of the day, will wait for tomorrow.

Suicide

As March 1 draws near, emotions bubble to the top. Mostly anger. Then guilt. I rotate through the grief process every year. Denial passed over. The event all too familiar and real.

I think. I thought.

Shouldn’t i be well
by now

the pain of missing you
not seeing your smile
hearing the loving words
from your mouth -voices

ridicule my rest from the tragedy
climbing down the mountain
i scream, it should have been me!

What a mistake
to be happy
climbing
back up the mountain
year after year. Again and again.
Realizing in a year
the steep decline,
a familiar path,
has no net.

But you felt better,
decided to join society,
well meaning people chime. Again and again.
Who can understand this pain?

No regrets

I have no regrets in life. Not even when the outcome was less than favorable for me. I am better for the experience. The stretching. The climbing. Mostly the listening, even hearing the quiet. Witnessing the fear. The hiding.

The challenge for me was to share intimately with another, and i did so.

Connection to another, whether spiritual, intellectual or physical, gives and takes. When we take, we fill an empty place that was left ravaged by circumstance. When we give, we pour from the soul.

So i do not regret giving to another who needed something, more than i needed. The act of giving itself fills up. The thanks and smiles are more than enough for a girl who has learned to never regret the road.

And perhaps, since i am working on my patience, this is a test of true friendship. I will never purposely jump ship. Even when the tests are excruciating and i wish, pray, for death, I will remain as long as people decide i am worthy of them. To witness I AM a heartfelt existence and friend. 🤗 And if i end up pushing you aside, it is my fear, not your lack of love.

🧡🕊

Waiting…

Actually i am anticipating a word or two from my muse. Does he know he is my muse? Because it is awfully quiet in my head and heart; these hands idle for awhile. Pssst! Speak up!! I am waiting…

Then i pause. Think a moment and apologize. Is this only about me? I am empathetic to the point i often feel left out. Patience is learned in quiet contemplation. Silence is more than enough. 🧡🕊

future things

wrap my wings
this bruised soul
until it sings
tell myself there is
no looking back from here

tuck my head
behind your heart
learn to thread
reconstruct an empire
invite my friends to walk away

lay this moss
spread a feast
hands extend across borders
imprisoned lonely beast
come along for the ride…

unfurl from your curl
extend your eyes to see
this brevity can be longer
unfair to you
but I need to know your near these future things