I had a conversation with myself this morning. I rambled on and on about what I would do with my day time. I finally decided to sit down at my desk and write. Write out a long, drawn out rehearsal of time passing.
When I looked up from the lonely computer screen, you were no longer sitting in the comfortable chair across from me. You had started the car engine. The revving noise, a distant dream. You, a train destined to an orbiting sky full of scenes. The very scenes I had written down in stars.
Of nonstop writing
I was swallowed.
Of staring out windows
I once wallowed.
Imagining animal talk
and shadow dances.
in dark spaces
set to music.
to match the rhythm
rolling in ink.
I am scribbling away, trying to keep up with my thoughts.
The coffee was brewing and the aroma had me thinking this morning. Again. Stuck in a corner with piled papers around my feet. Shuffling through them, I came across a Steinbeck quote. Lessons on love and hate.
My mind wanders as I watch the clouds prepare a bath of snowflakes. “What constitutes hate? And does an ideal love overcome our failure to understand others? Is there a moral love?”
“There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.“ -Steinbeck
Why am I bogged down with such heaviness? What relief exists? The heavens resemble our hearts and yet clouds obscure the view. The heart is buried. The soul is grieved. Is it I, we, or you?
I have danced secretly in ugly love. I being the selfish person begging for comfort. I have lived in that grave. Today I dream. I long to release myself from the grip of fear. To taste the sweet water of grace. And gift you the same power of hope.
Mind you, not every day is clobbered with words. I am learning to laugh. Tell me a joke. I listen well enough.
This is the sun setting over the huge rock in my yard. Hell, the rock is a small hill you have to climb and there is a perfect practice 20-25′ (7.6 meter) straight ascent to the top. The other side has ledges and you can scale it without rope. It is rather easy, with wonderful pockets of moss and mushrooms and wildflowers. Once at the top, you can watch the sunset over Mount Wachusett.
The mountains in Massachusetts are fairly easy to scale. Ive climbed two so far. Mount Wachusett is 2005′ (611 meters) and Lenox Mountain 2,126′ (648 meters).
To carve in stone
the next year planned
hike the Appalachian
Berkshires of Massachusetts
exists deep in the psyche
find my impetous
climb higher than ever
the answers lie somewhere.
Have you ever found it impossible to put two words together to form a coherent thought?
When your mind thinks but no thoughts come out, what do you do?
There’s a ruckus
in the house.
The holiday season
upon us. And all my creativity
is packed away
to make space for festivity.
“Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.” – Peg Bracken
So as much as I miss my mind and ability to pound out anything on paper, I will find it in my heart to be grateful for the time to gather with my grown children and their significant others. So this is Christmas.
To those alone at this time of year, believe me, my heart grieves. Consider this a hug of solidarity with you. Need someone to listen? Drop me a line..
Please read to the end, even if you are not in the mood to be cheery!!!! I truly care for you…
🌟 Possibilities exist in every shiny thought.
Never allow yourself to be squared in to a corner without a circle. Be adVenturous! Find a star and start running.
Even if it takes a lifetime to catch your star, realize you will have lived a full life chasing it.
Don’t pay attention to your neighbor’s faults. Work on your own. Once you realize no one is perfect, you will find inner peace exists.
Turn the other cheek. Forgive. Love. Move on. If your enemies follow you, hooray. And if they disappear, too bad they missed out living life along with you. Hopefully, and i sincerely mean this, i pray everyone can discover and name their own star to chase.
Just never stop chasing your star once you find and name it! 🌟 J
(I do not write this lightly. I have been depressed and suicidal. It has taken 50 years to reach my pinnacle. I have swam through snake infested waters, mosquito-riddled forests and felt unloved by the very people who should have helped me in life. I get the pessimist. I was one. Life seems to be turning for the good and i rejoice that i endured and can speak hope today. If you turn from this post because your hurting, reach out. There are people who care! I pray you find your star!)