Posted in Musings, Photography, Soul Journal

Alone

Yesterday, so many old feelings returned. Im angry. Im hurt. The relays of old films played all day in my mind. Scenarios I thought Id forgiven.

I was triggered into old patterns of behaving. Im utterly sad. After the heated emotions, I remind myself to keep forgiving them, so Im spared further damage to my heart.

I suppose I’m depressed too. My soul is tired and art has lost all color. Damn if I haven’t fallen hard.

I know this too will pass. The sun will shine again. But I am broken and hurt and mad.

Forgiveness promises very little in the midst of anguish. In the morning I plan to rise.

Posted in Musings, Photography, Poetry

Move Beyond —Thursday Doors

The present day, particularly this morning, I was spiritually, mentally and emotionally engaged with Revelations 1:4-6. And something profound changed my outlook, which threatens my old way of being for the past 12 years.

That I have not been living in freedom is the absolute truth. I have been chained to fleshly desires that have threatened my peace. And I in turn have threatened others peace of mind.

I heard a knock this morning. It was a knock only for me. Although we all are given the invitation. Some of us recognize the offer, while others deny the sound as anything but reality.

And I answered. I entered a sanctuary where truth took hold of my soul. I released my grief and abandoned my grip on things that never belonged to me. They were a safety blanket that brought comfort and fellowship. But no relief. They were the fantasy of my efforts.

In the dark I can see. The light is my peace. And the peace resides in me. Manifests outwardly as a poetic life well lived. And unless I slip, which often occurs, I feel steady. I am steady today.

Shalom, Jeanne

Posted in Music Video, Poetry

One Last Breath: Creed

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I’m so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe

Most of Creed’s music is too loud for me. But I have found a few enjoyable songs, where the sounds remind me of Pearl Jam. Perhaps Just Breathe, Eddie Vedder’s quick antidote, will remind how fleeting life is these days.

Posted in letters, Music Video, Musings, Photography, Poetry, quotes, Soul Journal

personal musings unleashed…

I see far too many people who are not thinking… and well i have to turn away and protect my thoughts. composting logic
reality forced anger
paths burdened with tears

My religious views are Work-in-Progress and my political views are Independent. I am a free thinker who will listen and either agree or disagree with you. My main philosophy is that life is precious regardless of your worldview. So act like life matters and we will get along just fine.

Side note: Most people, family included, have or had no idea I struggled with suicidal ideation since age 8 until 50. My brother acted on his depression. I wanted to but was fearful of the consequences. We wonder if people who die by their own hands go to heaven. I wonder if we will ever learn to listen and hear people. Even in their silence there are clues… i saw my brother’s anger mixed in with his smile. I was too caught up in raising my daughter that I chose only to see his love for me and Anna and Jeff. I walked past his anger and should have called him to talk. 💔 I play that look over and over in my mind. Like today. I dislike what i see in so many eyes and feel helpless. Daily. How do we fix the pain that surrounds us? How? 💔🌏

Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others.

A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction. –V Woolf “A Room of One’s Own”

Well… i am off to assemble a “Room of My Own” and enjoy what are the last few weeks of a gorgeous summer. Life is different in Massachusetts. It is a good change for my mental health. A much needed change and very few sour notes exist in my song book. Grateful for the positive energy surrounding me.

Posted in Musings, Poetry, Soul Journal

procrastinate

time
to realize
keep to yourself
no one really cares
birthing embitterment of power, now
lost

oh! Dear bloggers. You are a world of its own unto me. I appreciate each and every one of you!! You rock my world!!

Some of you have been on this journey of mine, and of yours, for years. Some bloggers have vanished from sight, succumbed to an unknown planet. Ghosts of oblivion. Sounds peaceful doesn’t it? Oblivion!

I have reached the conclusion i need a blogging break. I am worn from reading and writing, selling and buying, moving from the Midwest to the East Coast. My life is an upheaval of beliefs of not only myself and of the world, but childhood memories. Strangeness ensues. Again.

It will take a lot of self-discipline to keep from reaching out. I need refuge but i also need connection. So no surprise if the exodus doesn’t last. I realize this disappearance will likely be short-lived. Although i need a long time away…

My writing and painting is my essence, now packed in boxes. It is confusing to be wrapped in paper instead of leaving my thoughts upon the blank silence of white.

Confusion is driving me over the edge with no place to find respite. I need to renew my faith. My hope has dwindled. My humanity has been charred. Tomorrow i leave for Boston to find that needed place called home.

I love you. Thank you for being loyal bloggers. I hope you will be there when i am back in the swing of blogs. Right now I can’t keep track of me enmeshed in this business of posting and waiting to hear what the critics think.

I rely too heavily on the social likes. I need to be content with me without relying on you to feed me worms. I need to find my wings. As a bird or a butterfly i am unsure. I will gladly accept either persona.

I know i am not the rock star some other writers and photographers and painters are and i am perfectly happy to be me. I accept myself as is but i believe with breathing room i can emerge from this self-induced cocoon and become greater.

A writing mentor told me blogging is good until you get hung up in the business of blogging. I am there and have been there a few years.

Lost.

So off i go…

oh! For those who are connected with me in other ways, please keep in touch! I will need your support. Thank you! And if you want to keep connected, and do not have a way to contact me, leave me a message below. I will reach out to you.

Be well. All the best, J❤️🕊😘

Posted in Musings, Poetry

What the hell?

We all seem to have something bothering us. Takes honey to catch flies. So why are we spitting vinegar?

I have my few friends. The loyal ones. Thank you for inquiring. But i plan on disappearing over yonder.

There, the sky shines as bright as ever. Forever.

If… i were to shut down this blogging, this would be how i would say goodbye. Goodbye, the toughest word to say. Is it not?

I get in these funky moods every so often. Feel like i need to run and hide. Tired of the belly aching. I get it! Life sucks! But so does complaining.

I have had my share of trauma and travesty. People so dear to my heart left this earth much more abruptly! Yes, i would love to get up and go.

But where?

Here. I suppose. This means I am staying. I think i would rather go. Nothing against you. I really don’t know you. It’s me i know and i can’t stand the sound of my words anymore.

We come with masks. Interchangeable. Can’t really tell which one to wear today. Don’t really want you to see me.

What the hell? This rambling has got to stop. What is it i try to say anyhow?

Posted in Art, Poetry

devil in the details

all these thoughts

pouring down

welcome prayers;

the slowing

of my heart,

catching my breath.

i remain hidden

in a catatonic state

realizing opening sin

and boxed memories

rips the curtains

leaving the soul scorched.

Posted in Poetry

Dance

has someone stolen your dance;
raped your dreams?

scars heal but peel…
your ripe and smell of orange.

“please, don’t hide”, she speaks to herself,
the corner of the room brightening

learns to dance in the dark.

If you have pitiful days, lying in the bottom of a bottle or wandering in briar forests. If you hold the knife, coincidentally imagining the scrapes on flesh, while watching the blood flow towards the desert. You have learned the answers to your questions. You eventually learn not to ask more questions when the answers never surprise.

If you breathe on every step. If you bump into all the rest. You will find the questions to ask. Just don’t seek the answers. Go hide.