personal musings unleashed.

Learned something new today. Moments. Happen.

I have loved but one man. For thirty years. This experience leaves me rather naive about men and love and how the world works. I have never smoked, taken drugs and my first taste of alcohol was to drown pain at 48. It is three years later and my penchant for rum, brandy and vodka is growing. One feels freer under a bottle’s influence of twisted words and greedy sex. And then he arrived. Hungrier than me. A stinger, a fighter, a god. And he took to my attention, selling wares of satisfaction, provided i comply.

Where am i in all of this? Living in a dream that strikes fear in my heart. A complying pisces who strikes the bait, knowing full well the line can be reeled in, one netted and unable to free herself from captivity!

No! Swim faster…nothing turns out right… miscommunication, ha! amongst writers? it happens and is happening… can you not see my heart… veiled by modesty…

can you not hear my desire… to be friends? ha! amongst writers… where ego takes over

and all sadness aside… my loneliness is welcome… simply wanted, needed, desired a muse…

and you needed, wanted, desired

more than i can, could, will give.

and i will act like i am not hurt but i am hurt. terribly!

pieces of me.

no lying converges
abandoned by family
he came along

willing, she loved
yielding, she wondered

anguish reaching years
his counsel tearing
desert hearts apart

tattered dress seams
left wholly unclean

brutally honest mind
history resists mending
living among rubble

April/May 2018

personal musings unleashed

who is responsible? for me… and there is no blame to lay… early the birds chirp. have you ever heard a grumpy bird? not me… and there is no shame today… all ready to plan my day… all these baby steps, these horrid thoughts shed…

(woah, guilt, back off, this is space to spread cheer… your not welcome here…)

my greatest joy to date are all the wonderful people i met at the homeless shelter… witness women struggle and that was the place all my depression and anxiety was shed… found spiritual friends, our souls, a union… our lives, a chorus sung, entwined around a root cause… all else is ignorant complaints surrounding insecurities… playing arrogant games, leveling up our status on the backs of others… who we rise to shout down… how do we think we are better to shine as a star rather than a fellow man? this me, has gleaned wisdom, to spread my cheer…

i no longer look outward but inward and there peace resides and all the world’s negativity slides… i become the stairs to climb and reach my hand down… help my sister find her contentment… buried beside her self… she cries… the bird dead… he shivers… quietly i revive each… not in revolution but in finding solutions and working towards a common goal… no angry bird survives. no angry person thrives…

you breed strife in anger… let the melody ring… freedom is a just cause… a mind at peace is priceless… so sisters join hands and the homeless find a home in my heart.

missing.

how can i miss
what i never had
you ask
but i did have you
and still possess

the words spilled
on my dress
the magic marker
highlights the stars
spread under the hem

this horizon
never ending
we agree to never
wash our hands
again -your grin

wiped clean by tide
a rinse cycle failure
and the poison drunk
as one forever
unto our death

in obedience we sunk

retreat.

this whispered touch
middle finger caress
splits open -borders
a wounded heart
to bleed love
and flow your way

dreamt you held
these broken bones
crushed dream -hoarder
i offered you
my orange creamsicle
spiked with fear

perched atop
you slink below
covered silk -corridor
i whisk away…
you needed more
rain to pour

chasing me into trouble
under the gun -again
and now i will never be free

close.

rather distant
we no longer speak
God and i broke up

last night
silence spoke for me
tears to cleanse

the past futile
my arms too short
to reach wrongs

committed by closeness
pain hurts when joined
by love. peace and joy…

being. entwined.

All of life is not misery. It just feels of late, a cloud hovers. Suicide blaring red letters across the skies, as if to tempt the coward.

For me, WordPress was never about publishing a book. The issue of publishing a book are the words forever etched into time. I rebel against such a thought. I strive to be free of this world. Why would i lock up my soul to mere pages? My desire exists beyond the confines of any mind.

So WordPress becomes an outlet to release my crazy thoughts. A cathartic exercise. Skimming the surface, I fear going deeper. What lurks there most would tremble, be repulsed, or worse, not understand. I feel lonely enough with these thoughts, without comments overheard. To those who don’t believe hell exists, welcome.

My gift is to burn my poems. Send them as ash to the Creator, in hopes they bring fresh beginnings. This present life has enough sorrow without my permanently adding to the drear and desperation so many witness and feel. Second-hand emotions are lethal.

My prayer is future generations will be afforded a pleasant, happy life. Absent of mine.

All of life is not misery. This too shall recover. A new skin revealed, to dress the wounds. A phoenix rises on the horizon.