personal musings unleashed

We really do not know each other, do we?

Years were spent cultivating all these hateful thoughts. Up until today, all that is wrong with life, seemed to be my fault. I easily accepted blame and never fought the day my mom banished me from their life. I was not the daughter she wanted and I constantly told myself it was my fault. I really believed awful things, that ruminated in my inner conversations. I tortured myself with thoughts of hangings, driving over bridges and splashing into rivers, jumping from a third floor apartment window while pregnant with my first daughter. Or recently, recklessly scraping a knife across my neck and wrists, aimlessly staring out the kitchen window above the sink, while I witnessed a small trickle of blood seep out. The drops slid down and pooled near the drain. Blue dreams turned red. Hot and bothered, I quickly fed myself more lies.  I truly believed I did not deserve life. Lies I recognize now. Lies taught to me. Lies I easily fall back into when I am not staying present in the day.

I am not looking to place blame. Oh, well I will blame myself for getting caught up in a web of lies. Lies that told me I am no good…

I  believed that I was no good for the longest time. Therapy has done wonders for my soul. My heart and head no longer bleed needlessly. Only when I forget who I am.  I have learned to fight back. I am not cut by my own hands or any one else’s for that matter. Not anymore.

During this personal awakening, I have ventured to places I should not have. I became too brave and traipsed where I did not see the wrongdoing on my part or the wrongdoing of another. I enticed it to go on longer than it should because of feeling alone. Sometimes I want to indulge myself more. Whisper sweet things to strangers. They do not mind. Neither do I. But I am hurting people, including myself. It just has this turn on not easily turned off. Then realize I am not truly alone.

I live in a self-enclosed loneliness because I am afraid of true love. I begged for love during childhood and I simply do not understand real love. When it showed up, I fought and fight against it. Trying to convince others I am no good. They should kill me too. Surely make it easier to die, than by my own hands. I even had a cop ready to take his gun from his holster. I pushed just enough. But really not enough. I retreated from the edge. The dryness I remember. The trying to swallow while the heat rose from my feet. What was I asking for? Was this fight really worth anyone causing harm to another?

All these words sprout from somewhere deep… some words remain shallow and swim close to the edge of my skin. Others are dying for air and I happily let them out. Luckily for me, the words mostly die the minute they hit the atmosphere. Nothing survives without oxygen and these thoughts greedily suck up all the oxygen my body consumes. Often I am left with little but carbon dioxide. I am not a plant. Not even a humble clover or Venus Flytrap, as some men like to portray me. I need oxygen. I need to breathe.

——–

I know what would have happened to me had my past plans come true. But do you? Or would you even care?

Heck! You do not know me. Why do I think you do? Or want to.

How much do we want to know about others? Or others to know of us? It is easy to write. Well, not always. I struggle and then I struggle again, with posting. But I do write. And I do post. It is all here to read. Until it is no longer.

I think and rethink myself over. Over and over I turn the bells in my head and they always ring twice and I still never hear them. Do you?

death wish (suicide lies)

guilt drives staggered bones
the edge becomes
a point to ponder

what matters beyond
his farewell
unannounced -death arrived

luring me closer
take the plunge
you can thank me later

A quality insight from Mrs. Fish

— Read on danielpaulmarshall.com/2018/06/10/a-quality-insight-from-mrs-fish/

There are always as many layers in each piece written by Daniel Paul Marshall as there are to our individual psyches. I have learned, from past experience, we decide to dig when all of life fails. Most assuredly when we struggle in amazement, “How did we end up here?”

This struggle’s search means we roam our own minds along with perusing other’s insights, to answer personal questions. Daniel Paul Marshall always becomes a mountain to scale. I am not afraid to climb and quite often like to feel small. The idea of being intellectually swallowed hole is not frightening. At such a time, i tend to be lazy and will shift into making the ascent easy as possible. I have found in order to be a PhD candidate poet, i would need to tap reserves that currently are kept safe for rainy days. I never venture far from the comfortable. (Enough of that tangent… back on the original road!)

This particular post drug me up from a pit i am well accustomed. I routinely, lazily graze in my despair but in a rare collision, this post brought a flurry of thought.

Please consider bringing yourself to the discussion at the original post. I would love to read your thoughts. Does this post enlighten or further blur your perception of you, your children and the space between? Or perhaps your relationship with a parent?

I am considering note-taking and producing a futures map, dealing with my daughter. She tells me i am her best friend, which makes me feel wonderful. But below the surface smile i sprout for her benefit, i fear her future. Where are people to love her as much as i?

wayward be

Who the hell knows if i will be here… today, tomorrow or any other day. If i am, hope your near by. If not, i will find my way… forward.

Always have… been a survivor. Even of my own thoughts to die. Withholding food to starve my heartache. Suffocation, in moments, while i prayed for death. A child. Yes, i was a child who believed there was a God who heard my prayers for sweet, sweet death. Until He never answered. Turned His back on His daughter… wished her to suffer more. Then whispered “Peace.” at her half-opened door. Caught her peeking, looking for answers. Cold.

Wouldn’t tell my whole story. Who cares anyhow? Well meaning people spout sugary words to the despairing child but their words always spoil once swallowed.

I have been poisoned by this world. The cream in my coffee swirls me down enough…

White Mountains New Hampshire

growing up

Were you allowed to express yourself growing up? Or were your passionate explorations squelched?

Arts were a forbidden country for me. A taboo. Superstitions of poverty and starvation, my becoming promiscuous, rang from my mother’s mouth. Dad silently agreed. When i turned 18 i told them i was going to college. When they did not listen, i screamed “they couldn’t keep me imprisoned.” Dad reacted otherwise. His anger boiled over. I submitted and got married and had children. Then grew up. I became bold and started writing. Bought paints and danced on paper. Looked through a camera lens to find moments worth holding.

My heart reopened as a bee flew past. He promised fruit in my life if i would spread open my wings.

I fly away to dream.

relief.

Time, a trusted friend, teaches those mourning, to question and speak out loud. Over and over, Time welcomes Guilt, Anger, and Despair.

Yet, suicide survivors cannot begin to understand… how will peace ever exist in this chaos? Just one word, thought or picture, sends us in a spiral. Those days become wrapped in Sorrow. Then Relief appears. Days saunter on and we learn progress takes small steps.

Our eyes lift and grow wide… a visit. Time, our best friend. Patiently, Time sits, listens for a while. I let Time’s silence be silent, until i can hold it in no longer! I pray to release chains… memories have become a prison. My wishes, a disease. Confusion sets in.

Time please forgive and pardon this aching soul. I beg Relief to visit. A stranger far too long.

💜j

deja vu.

Quotes: Invited by GuyorBloke
Day One. I have been here before.

All change demands energy. To recharge, we need to step away and consider the future.

“Why this way?” i repeatedly asked out loud. Of course, as life has proven, no voice replies when needed the most. Alone in that empty room, I silently posed. I traced the cracks and read the signs. Do not cry. You lived. Now walk away. Rest assured, I move forward, knowing, the walls will never speak.

See the source image

i am not good at goodbyes
as i drag my feet
reluctantly wave the past behind

I may not be here, at Borderline Crossing, much longer. I have a new endeavor that requires more of my time and what time will be left over, I may find using to rest in an Adirondack chair, atop our hill, watching the sun set over Mount Wachusett. This, and a glass of wine, will suit me fine.

I have started a new blog. I am not revealing any thing other than that I am excited about this new chapter in my writing. I have yet to consider what to do with what I have blogged here.  A few ideas are floating in my mind… but I am disorganized and nothing may ever come of my efforts.

To those who have ridden this wave as long as I, it has been quite a journey.  For those new here, I may pop in on occasion, if my mind floats back toward the borderline. I have tried to say goodbye, countless times before and have always returned. It remains to be seen if I keep my word and truly move on. For now, i have taken advice to heart, to cut the ties that bind.

And so, I tarry on in dreams, with tears in my eyes. J

Wait! already i revert to my old ways. I have Day Two and Day Three quotes to fulfill for Rory at GuyorBloke. Not to mention a backlogged drafts folder. What do i do with all these crowded words and empty space? Can i save me, after all? Time tells. 😍😘❤️

Rambling on

I love people. ☔️ I cannot stand what words form in their heads, exiting through perverted lips. I am in disbelief as i witness the world change and not for the betterment of people. It demands i too become an ignorant follower of self. I cannot find the true church. I relish past hugs from the Holy Spirit. Wind swept, i remain in those cherished moments He spoke to me. I ask forgiveness for this insistent disbelief since John left this earth. I miss my band of friends in Indiana. We did not hang out as much as i would have liked but at least i did not feel so lonely. Soon i will take a drive to the ocean. I pray the waves settle my heart enough to sleep tonight💜 🌊 and not continue to pray my soul joins my brother in heaven.